Pretending Along

2003-11-16T12:24:00.000-05:00

There is a tear in the digital eye of Pretending Along

We're moving

But, for your continued enjoyment, come see us here:

Check out Pretending Along's new home, http://pretendingalong.smorgasblog.com

Bigger and better things await, friends. I can't wait to get started on the new blog. I'll be using Moveable Type instead of Blogger. Not that I have anything against blogger, they've been good to me, helped me out of a few jams, but it is time to move on. I've joined a group of DC-centeric bloggers in a blog co-op of sorts. While Pretending Along will remain my own home on the net, I'll be joining in on some lively group blogging on two other blogs:

--http://dcsob.smorgasblog.com--Reportage. Gossip. Attitude. Happy Hour.
--http:thirdrail.smorgasblog.com-- live from the third rail: a transit blog

Soon, we should have the main page (http://smorgasblog.com XML syndicated, so that you can check in there and get a small taste of what awaits on DCSOB, third rail, and Pretending Along.

I'll be importing the archives to the new site this week. See y'all soon in Moveable Type land.

2003-11-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

Stupid, stupid job...

Makes me miss what I hear was a good episode of the West Wing.
Keeps me from blogging.
Makes me lose contact with my friends and family.
Restricts my heavy drinking during the week.
Feeds and clothes me and keeps a roof over my head... Damn!!

Oh well back to work.

On a completely different note

This blog is packing it's digital bags.
We're hoping we can fit every 1 and 0 into the overhead compartment.
This blog hates checking baggage (and as regular readers know, we've got alot of baggage)
We don't want to rent a U-Haul.
This blog is MOVING.
And we're doing it this weekend.
Check back here for more details.

2003-11-11T15:03:00.000-05:00

Fun with the Internet

Childish? Yes

Infantile? Again, yes

Scatalogical Humor? Hey, I'm not above that.

Suprisingly Gartifying? Abso-freakin-loutely

(Wait for the whole page to load)

2003-11-10T11:19:00.000-05:00

A joke someone told me on Saturday

A Cubs fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox fan are lost in a remote third world country with no money and no food. They come across a market in a small village and decide that if they don’t steal food they will starve to death. When trying to steal some bread they are caught and soon are brought before the chief of the village.

The chief looks them up and down and says, "We cannot have foreigners entering our village and stealing from our citizens at the market. According to custom you shall each receive 10 lashes from the ultimate whip of punishment."

The chief then nods to his right and a large man appears carrying a massive whip, covered with spikes, broken glass, and other painful-looking appendages. The chief, studying the three fans, says, "However, I can see by your caps that you are all devotees of baseball, the greatest game ever invented. In light of that, I will grant you each one wish before you receive your punishment."

The chief nods to the Cubs fan who replies, "For my wish I’d like to have a pillow strapped to my back before my lashes."

The chief nods to his attendant who complies with the Chicagoan’s wishes, strapping a large pillow to the man’s back. The man with the whip begins to deliver the punishment. By the fifth crack of the whip the pillow has completely disintegrated and the Cubs fan receives five brutal lashes, leaving him a crumpled whimpering mess on the floor.

The chief nods to the Yankees fan who replies, "For my wish I’d like to have two pillows strapped to my back before I receive my lashes."

The chief again nods to his attendant who complies with the New Yorker’s request, strapping two pillows to the fan’s back. The man with the whip begins to deliver the punishment. But by the seventh crack of the whip, both pillows have completely disintegrated and the Yankees fan receives three brutal lashes, leaving him a crumpled whimpering mess on the floor, in only slightly better shape than the Cubs fan.

Turning to the Red Sox fan, the chief says, "It is time for you to receive your punishment. But I can see by your hat that you are a fan of the greatest professional sports team to ever grace the face of the earth. In honor of this I will grant you two wishes before you receive your punishment. What do you request?"

"First," says the Sox fan, "I want 100 lashes."

The chief, looking slightly perplexed, nods for the Sox fan to go on.

"And second," the Sox fan continues, "Strap that fucking Yankees fan on to my back."

2003-11-06T17:24:00.000-05:00

I am a big nerd

Case in point. I can't wait to go home and spend some time exploring this website: NationMaster.com. The site has this tagline: "Where Stats Come Alive." Here's an actual quote found at the bottom of the page:

"Our stats are now even sexier with color-coded maps."

They sure are

2003-11-05T10:50:00.000-05:00

Rude
I'm currently in the middle of giving a 6 hour training presentation at the office. The group--26 people--is subdued and disinterested. That I can deal with, it's not exactly the most interesting subject matter. What does infuriate me is that while I'm talking and walking around the room, I see some fucking woman checking her email on her fucking Blackberry. If that weren't enough, the disrespectful so-and-so is also responding to emails. I can understand being that rude if you're, say, in a large training meeting in an audirotium; but in a room where the presenters are wandering around 26 people attempting to interact with you it's just fucking rude.

The worst part, I can't say anything because she's a director of something or other.

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH...

I will have my revenge. She's got more than 4 more hours of me to deal with. What can I do to her?

Also
The Reverend Al is going to be on the Post's Live on Line today at 11. Tune in, see what he says, report back to me.

2003-11-04T09:38:00.000-05:00

Busy, busy, busy...

I've been a bit preoccupied with work, the weather, halloween, and family lately. I hope to post in a bit. In the meantime, check this out, it seems that there is a fantasy stock market that deals solely in blogs. I haven't explored the site too much as of yet, but let this blog know if you sign up.

2003-10-30T18:41:00.000-05:00

I really like this webite.

2003-10-29T10:38:00.000-05:00

The Idiot Boy King held the 10th press conference of his Presidency yesterday.
It’s a momentous occasion. To help the President commemorate this I think we should but aside partisan differences, take up a collection, and buy our commander and chief a small token of our respect and admiration for taking ~~scripted~~ unscripted questions from reporters a whole 10 times since 2000. I think we should get him a dictionary. Now before you accuse me of calling the President stupid let me defend myself. I simply think that he is confused about the definition of one or two words, this is not a trait of stupid people, many intelligent people use words incorrectly until they are tactfully corrected by their peers. It’s happened to me. And it happened to the president yesterday and it’s our job to correct him. Here’s what he said, from the official White House transcript, ”I'll say that the world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership, and America is more secure.”

Now does anyone else see which word he misused? I think he has “peaceful” confused with something more like “volatile” or “violent” or “unstable.” Perhaps he has confused the meanings of the words “more” and “less.” Despite which words he misused he can’t have meant what he said. The Palestinian Intifada has entered its fourth year and one can see no signs of an end to the bloodshed. North Korea is developing and testing nuclear weapons. India and Pakistan have come to the brink of nuclear war. And if I remember correctly, the United States invaded two sovereign nations, both of which are anything but peaceful at the moment. Also, perhaps someone should remind the president of a few key facts: first, the world is not actually under his leadership. And second, considering the worst terrorist attack in American history occurred under his watch, it might not be so great to talk about how much more secure he’s made this nation.

Another gem from the press conference:

THE PRESIDENT: …Let's see -- Terry. Then you, Stretch.
Reporter: Thank you, sir. Mr. President, your policies on the Middle East seem, so far, to have produced pretty meager results as the violence between Israelis and Palestinians --
THE PRESIDENT: Major or meager?
R: Meager.
THE PRESIDENT: Oh, okay.
R: Meager.
THE PRESIDENT: Meager.

2003-10-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wrote a post entitled "Sometimes I take pictures that don't suck" there should have been a coda to that post. It should have read, "Sometimes I take pictures that don't suck and then some fluke of the internet ensures that I can't show them to anyone. I'll repost them once I've fixed whatever was wrong. Or you can check them out here (but it probably won't work).

2003-10-28T12:55:00.000-05:00

The Rules:

"Copy my list. Cross out the the artists not in your record collection. Add ones that are. Perpetuate."

Kyria’s List
1. Nick Cave
2. Dead Can Dance
3. Elvis Costello
4. Soul Coughing
5. P.J. Harvey
6. Robyn Hitchcock
7. Leonard Cohen
8. Front Line Assembly
9. Love
10.Pulp

My List
1. Latin Playboys
2. Flaming Lips
3. Elvis Costello
4. Soul Couthing
5. P.J. Harvey
6. The Clash
7. Be Good Tanyas
8. moe.
9. Mary Prankster
10. Pulp

2003-10-28T11:09:00.000-05:00

What the fuck moment of the day:

Rob Zombie (yes, that Rob Zombie) will be live online at washingtonpost.com at 3pm ET today. It shocks me that not even 6 years ago, I would have scoffed at the notion of reading a newspaper on a comouter. Today, the website for my local paper will let me chat with Rob fucking Zombie. I love technology.

2003-10-27T14:12:00.000-05:00

My Weekend

I worked a bit. I went out in Adams Morgan with some friends. I completely destroyed the living room of my new place with a reckless disregard for my new roommates comfort (feel a bit bad about that). I put the room back together, a little cleaner and certainly more organized than before (I added a shelf). I put a second bar in my closet to hang clothes. I worked some more. I did laundry. I read. I slept. I spent a considerable part of Saturday morning doing nothing at all.

What I did not do was attend the anti-war protests in Washington on Saturday. Here’s why. We, the American people, fucked up. I’m absolutely serious. We sent the Idiot Boy King to the throne. Whether or not we voted for him, whether or not he had a majority of the poplar vote, the American people as a community, not individuals, elected the man (kinda). Who deserves the blame for the situation in Iraq? Are any of us shocked that American troops invaded and are now occupying Iraq? We shouldn’t be. This administration came into power not as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but quite simply as a wolf, or in more apt animal imagery, a hawk. The American people should have known this would happen; the Administration’s aims weren’t hidden from us. Over five years ago, Donald Rumsfeld, and administration pals Elliott Abrams, Richard L. Armitage, and Paul Wolfowitz drafted a letter to President Clinton urging military action against Iraq. Also undersigning the letter, were Richard Perle (of the Iran Contra scandal) and William J. Bennett (the moralist-gambler).

Do I have a point here, well yes, kinda. We’re there now, in the thick of it, and we (the United States as a nation) have made a horrible mess of the situation. We shouldn’t act surprised at the situation, nor should we pull our troops, cut the funding, and run away. A look at the last 48 hours in Iraq:

--Over 200 Are Wounded at Red Cross and 4 Iraqi Police Posts
--Attacks kill 3 U.S. soldiers, 4 injured
--Rockets Hit Baghdad Hotel Where Wolfowitz Staying (keep in mind that we had warning about this one)

On Friday on my way home from work I ran into some people handing out flyers promoting Saturday’s demonstrations. I found myself talking to one of the people and facing many of the arguments against the war that I had espoused myself in the months leading up to the Iraq conflict.

International A.N.S.W.E.R lady: Bush and his cronies want to exploit that nation for its oil.
Me: Well, I think you’re correct, and that’s precisely the reason we need to push for more UN involvement and control, not for merely pulling the US presence out of the nation. If we leave now the entire nation could become a hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism

The Iraqi people deserve the right to self determination. If that is the government they wish to have then what right have we to say otherwise.
What about the countless people who will be oppressed under such a government? Women, homosexuals, Christians, or other dissenters? The response I got to this truly amazed me.

There are women’s groups and other non-governmental, non-politically affiliated groups in Iraq now who would not let that happen. (I’m serious; someone said this to me, while standing next to another International A.N.S.W.E.R. volunteer)
These people just bombed the International Fucking Red Cross, and you think fucking NOW is going to influence them?!? And what’s more, a terrorist-supporting Islamic Fundamentalist government is one of the best case scenarios for the Iraqi people and possibly the rest of the world. It gets worse. Ethnic violence between the Sunnis and Shiites could awaken decade’s old conflicts, inviting a bloodbath, and perhaps dragging neighboring nations such as Iran into the fracas. The Kurds attempting to secede, prompting military action from Turkey, which will surely be even handed. It’s like arguing against setting a controlled burn in a dangerous are- a worthy cause- but then after your opponents set the fire anyway, arguing to remove the firemen supervising the situation because you didn’t think they should be there in the first place.

It is possible that I did not get my point across, because upon hearing that women’s groups would protect women’s rights in an abandoned Iraq I turned on my heel and crossed Q St, muttering the above to my self as I crossed.

It’s a strange state of the world when a hard left liberal, quazi-pacifist, is defending the continued occupation of a sovereign nation. Although to be fair, I do want to see this handled by the UN, not us.

2003-10-24T16:08:00.000-05:00

On coming back from the north

Well, I'm back. And aside from the single most dissapointing moment of my life as a professional sports fan (a topic which we will not discuss, not now, perhaps not ever), my vacation was a smashing success. I had a wonderful time and may write about it later. Today, however, I have too much work and am taking a break to offer you this:

The worst gift idea ever.

Courtsey of 17 days in feb

Sad: Singer-songwriter Elliott Smith was found dead on Tuesday, an apparent suicide. Here's a Boston Globe article

2003-10-16T16:20:00.000-05:00

Notes From the Road (Part II)

Check out Hours of Folly for a brief discussion of chess and baseball. It's October at its finest tonight at 8:18 as the Sox take on the Yankees in game seven of the ALCS. It's being played in New York. Go SOX.

Tomorrow I'm off to another wedding in Northern Maine. I cannot wait, the weather and scenery has been so beautiful in upstate NY and Western Mass, I can only imagine how awesome (that's awesome as in the original, "awe-inspiring" sense) will be up there.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, a thought

I went from Washington DC to Albany, NY to Northampton, MA without once getting behind the wheel of a car. Metro, MARC rail, Southwest Airlines, Greyhound bus, and a late night taxi or two. There was a time when I would not have hesitated to take this trip with my car. However, that was prior to two years of driving into the city from the suburbs on a daily basis. I feel so wonderfully liberated not having my car with me. It's like I left another hassle of the city in the city and just took me with me.

2003-10-13T23:29:00.000-05:00

Notes From the Road

Well folks, I’m in Northampton, Mass sleeping on a friend’s couch for a about a week. No lavish vacations for me, I’ve always preferred just getting out of the routine of my everyday life and seeing some friends. This vacation feels more necessary in previous years. I was feeling damn near completely miserable before taking off on Friday. Which seems strange because I recently solved a problem that had been nagging me for a number of months- I found somewhere to live. However, despite that weight off of my shoulders, I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed by my life for the past couple of weeks. (Not that I really have anything to genuinely upset me: I haven’t had any major personal traumas, I’ve have a good job, I’m not in dire financial straits, I have my health, as do my family and friends.) But the combination of greater than usual work stress, the coda to the housing search drama (which culminated in a crescendo that included moving house two times), and an increase in relatively minor issues in my personal life resulted in agitation, confusion, and an oppressive sense that the carefully constructed house of cards that is my life was about to come crashing to the ground. Am I being overdramatic here? Probably. But that is the way that I’ve felt for the past few weeks; and even at the time I recognized that the state of my life did not nearly warrant the psychological reaction I was affording it. But hey, the human mind is strange, and mine is certainly no less so than most.

Which brings me to a much-needed vacation, which I am enjoying thoroughly. The original reason for the vacation is this: attend two weddings in the Northeast. I figured that I could spend the four days between the nuptial celebrations with a friend in western Massachusetts.

While I’m on the subject, I was speaking to a good friend about my plans when this she asked me if attending the weddings of two friends in successive weekends depressed me. This woman and I have achieved a degree of latitude in our relationship that allows us (her) to be completely honest and forthright about each other’s lives (my life) and the choices we (I) make. The exchange went something like this:

Me: Why would depress me? I’ve been to plenty of my friend’s weddings

Honest Pal (HP): That’s exactly my point, it seems that you’ve been declining invites, buying wedding presents, or attending weddings an awful lot over the past year or two.

Me: Well yeah, lots of my friends have gotten engaged in over the past year or two, it’s just that time in a lot of their lives.

HP: The time when people start settling down, or at last committing to someone?

(over the phone I know she’s just raised her eyebrow raised in a veiled reference to my recent birthday -- I occasionally give her a hard time about the years she’s got on me, and she never fails to remind me each time I “inch closer.” She doesn’t take to my argument that until one of us dies the gap will never close.

Me: Funny

HP: No, I’m kinda being serious; doesn’t it trouble you that you’ve got good friends getting hitched around every corner, and your only relationship in more than six years was clearly stamped with an expiration date?

Me: Well Jesus, it didn’t bother me, but put it that way. And that expiration date comment was just mean.

At this point I am displaying the strong bond we share by not pointing out that perhaps no relationships are better than a string of poorly advised relationships with a bunch of assholes... This is how it works, it’s really great to have a friendship like this.

HP: Oh don’t pout; you’re a big boy now. And that ‘expiration date’ is your expression to describe the relationship, so don’t get pissy with me.

And we continue like this for a while. Wondering if all our friends are crazy or if we’re somehow broken and just aren’t going to find that. These are not thoughts I generally entertain. For the most part, I accept that my engaged/married friends are not completely insane, marriage is OK, and I’m just a guy who is completely commitment-phobic. I wasn’t apprehensive about going to these weddings, or even mildly upset about more friends getting hitched, but having a someone bring it up so bluntly got my brain going on the issue. First and foremost I wondered if I should be troubled about it.

At any rate, I was thinking about the whole marriage thing for much of the trip up to Albany. Upon my arrival I had three epiphanies. (OK, it was some hours after my arrival, most of which were spent at a bar). First, I should not let my conversations with “Honest Pal” sink too deeply into my mind. Second, feeling troubled by going to the weddings of friends is stupid. Actually it’s more than stupid, it is a reaction born of jealousy (I wish I was getting married) and personal insecurity (will anyone ever love me enough -- or I love someone enough -- to get married). And third, I like weddings, they’re fun and exciting, a best man or the father of the bride can say something sweet and make you cry -- I mean almost cry (we’re a macho blog). What other event do you attend with friends and family where people cry out of happiness in the face of displays of love? And people have fun, there’s a bar and dancing and free food, you run into old pals and make a few new ones with whom you share a connection- the bride and groom. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, you might meet someone nice.

2003-10-13T00:34:00.000-05:00

On Vacation!!!!!

Later Folks.

2003-10-08T09:58:00.000-05:00

Mawwage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffin a dweam...

What are you doing next week? Well, if you have no plans, the Bush Administration has a suggestion for you; our President has proclaimed October 12th through the 18th"Marriage Protection Week 2003." It will be a celebration of marriage, a reaffirmation that, "marriage is a union between a man and a woman." "Marriage," Bush "wrote" in his official proclamation,

"is a sacred institution, and its protection is essential to the continued strength of our society. Marriage Protection Week provides an opportunity to focus our efforts on preserving the sanctity of marriage and on ..."

Well thank the Lord for these guys. Without people like the President and his pals, a societal convention that is thousands of years old would be crushed by these immoral times... and the queers, don't forget those queers. Because, you see, these homosexuals want to erode the foundations of our society, they want to make it illegal for a man to marry the woman he loves; they even want to go so far as to undermine the marriages of those couples are already wed... Right? And while we're protecting societal social constructs that have survived for millennia, can we have a government protection week, or perhaps a friendship protection week, what about a national identity protection week?

But none of my other suggestions could possibly be as meaningful and poignant as "Marriage Protection Week 2003." You see, the first day of "Marriage Protection Week '03" falls on the five-year anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard, a 21 year-old student, who was savagely beaten to death because he was gay.

August J. Pollack sums up my disgust perfectly:

Just as President Bush gave a speech condemning Affirmative Action on Martin Luther King Day and declared the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision "National Sanctity of Life Day," this is, of course, a complete coincidence.

You know, when we heard Saddam was throwing babies out of incubators it was a fantastic relief to hear that it was a fabricated story. So when you hear that the Leader of the Free World just announced a week of celebrating the forbidding of gay people from expressing their love on the anniversary of the day a teenager was beaten to death for wanting to express his love to other men, you get a slightly different feeling when it's confirmed on the President's own goddamned web site.[NOTE: to be fair, I think that "national sanctity of human life day" came a day or 2 before the anniversary of Roe v. Wade]

Fuck these people.

I can no longer express my outrage with this administration and it's backers with any logical or rational arguments.

Let's issue a counter proclamation. We need to subvert these people. Here are some thoughts on how we can commemorate the week:

--Bombard your senator or representatives with calls, emails, and faxes expressing outrage at the Administration, and their "Marriage Protection Week." Urge them to publicly criticize the administration.

--Donate some time or money to the Matthwe Shepard Foundation or the Human Rights Campaign.

--Urge your representative to your state legislative branch to introduce a law legalizing gay marriage or civil unions.

--Demand to know why conservatives are all for state's rights except when it comes to offering equal treatment to homosexuals (they're working on a marriage defense initiative at the federal level to nullify state legislation that extends marriage or civil union rights to gays)

--Celebrate National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11 (I'm not quite sure how to do this, but according to www.hrc.org, there is a group is hosting nonviolence training, a civil marriage forum, pride event and a vigil in front of Jerry Falwell’s church in Lynchburg, VA, to mark National Coming Out Day. (which segues nicely into my next suggestion)

--Piss off one "compassionate conservative" or member of the "Christian right" each day for the duration of the week.

--Break up a marriage between a man and a woman.

--Wear a tee-shirt that says, "Protect This"

--Have premarital gay or straight sex. While enjoying a post-coital cigarette, reflect on how your romp between the sheets served to undermine the millennia-old, sacred institution of marriage. Bask in the knowledge that sex actually can change the world. Repeat.

--Move to Canada.

--Take a half-hour or so, reflect on what you know about Matthew Shepard and his family, learn about what his mother is doing now. Think about what happened to him and countless others. Then go out side and do whatever small thing you can to to help ensure that it doesn't happen again.

Other suggestions????

Feel the rage folks, check out these people:

August J. Pollack
Roger Ailes (no, not that Roger Ailes)

2003-10-07T10:43:00.000-05:00

Personal News

I can’t believe that I didn’t post this sooner. Just goes to show ya how busy I’ve been feeling lately. I have officially found somewhere to live. The new housemates called me last Tuesday to let me know that I could move in on the third. So, as of Sunday night I no longer live in the suburbs. I’m a DC resident. Woo-hoo!!!!

On a related note, I can’t believe that in the entire time I was looking for somewhere to live and posting about the experience, I never thought to post this:

“All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?”

Damn, not only am I a complete nerd in countless other respects, I also dig show tunes. Go me!!

2003-10-03T15:47:00.000-05:00

The Greatest Muppet Ever!!!!

Pepe the King Prawn

2003-10-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

I think the comic below may belong in my all-time top 10:

Along with my all time favorite, this gem from Berkley Breathed's Outland.

Check out Lore Brand Comics. It's from Lore Sjoberg, the guy behind the Brunching Shuttlecocks.

2003-10-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

Your Best Guess, What Does This Picture Represent?

I heard about this on NPR the other day. Check this article for the whole story.

Perhaps the strangest part of this article is the link at the bottom of the page to a Related Story: "Man accidentally saws penis into six pieces"

2003-10-01T15:26:00.000-05:00

9131 Days Ago

The Boston Red Sox had a very good day. It was the last day of the regular season (back in the days when only the top team in the division went to the playoffs, no wild card), the Sox trailed the defending champion New York Yankees by one game. The Boston had won its last 7 games, ensuring a close sprint down the stretch, neck and neck with the Yankees. On Sunday October 1, Cleveland's Rick Waits held New York to five hits to win 9–2. Meanwhile, the Sox shut-out the Blue Jays led by pitcher Luis Tiant, forcing a tie breaker on Monday. Predictably, things didn't go so well for the Sox the following day.

In the ninth, Goose Gossage saved the game for the Yanks, getting sox legend, Carl Yastrzemski to pop out with two on and two out in the 9th. The Sox went down 5-4. Five years later, to the day, Yaz would retire. I was 1826 days old by that time. I would love remember seeing Carl Yastrzemski play in the twilight of his career.

Happy Birthday to me.

Go Sox.

(Also on the 78 Sox: Pudge Fisk and Jim Rice)

2003-09-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

Calling All Bloggers

Warning, this is not a family-friendly post

Ok not all bloggers, but those who visit this site. I need some help. I recently made a discovery about myself. You see, I was reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and I realized... Allright that's a bold faced lie, I wouldn't be caught dead reading one of those books. What happened was this, on Sunday I was on the Metro reading a book (Killing Mister Watson, by Peter Matthiessen, if anyone wants to know. An absolutely amazing book) and I look up to check which stop is next. In doing so, I lose my place in the book. My reaction? "Fuck Me!" Now this would not have been to bad had I not been wearing headphones and could accurately jugde the volume of my voice. Unfortunately, I was and I couldn't.

At any rate, my journey of self-discovery led me to this conclusion, I curse entirely too much. This bugs me for two reasons:

1. The obvious, it is rude to shout profanities in public places simply because one lost his place in a book (even if it is a really great passage in an incredible book).

2. The more I use it for mundane events and trivialities the less effective the profanity becomes.

What am I supposed to shout if I drop a 75 lb weight on my big toe, certainly a much more curse-worthy event than losing my place in a book. But the book episode elicited a "Fuck Me," so breaking my toe with an iron weight should get something much more intense. If the book got a "fuck" (we'll call that a two-star outburst, a one-star would be a single shit or bitch or ass; but fuck being the word it is is two-stars) then the toe should warrant at least a six- or seven-star torrent of profanity. But who can manage to say something to the effect of "God-damn, mother fucking, cock-sucking, shit-for-brains, stupid-ass weight, piece of crap, falling on my toe, fucking-ouch!!!!" while their big toe is swelling up to four times its normal size? Not me.

So here's my problem, I need to incorporate colorful, not profane, yet still satisfying curses into my vocabulary to use in place of the good ones when something banal, yet irritating occurs. We all had them when we were kids and couldn't curse with the same vigor we use now. But those will not suffice, they have a childish quality to them, I need something fresh, adult, and above all, as personally satisfying as a good round of profanity (well almost as satisfying, because few things are).

Help me out. Any suggestions...

2003-09-30T08:51:00.000-05:00

Why Is This Photo on the Front Page of Every DC Area News Paper?

Laura Bush is the first lady if the United States; Jacques Chirac is the president of France. Sure the two nations have experienced some turbulence this year, but we're allies, right? Laura Bush is a respected woman; she's a former teacher and librarian. She's committed to pushing an agenda that includes (among the more populist items) promoting literacy and women's and children's rights across the world. She may be married to the Idiot Boy King, which says a lot about her taste in men, but she seems to me to be much less arrogant, dull-witted, and brash as his royal-slowness. And Chirac, although he has at times over the past year been quite vitriolic in his criticism of Mrs. Bush's husband's policies, is a reasonable man, and if nothing else an excellent politician.

So a kiss on the hand, a noble, chivalrous gesture, with a hint of symbolism behind it, lands on the front cover of the Washinton Post, the New York Times, and numerous other respected papers (and not respected papers like the Washington Times).

What did these people expect Chirac to do when he met the First Lady--- Bitch-Slap her?

2003-09-26T13:06:00.000-05:00

Today and the rest of the week is dedicated to the Boston Red Sox clinching a playoff spot for the first time since 1999. A 14-3 rout of the Baltimore gives the Sox the wildcard. They'll face the Oakland A's starting Wednesday, October 1.

Woo-Hoo!!

2003-09-24T13:55:00.000-05:00

Everything you ever wanted to know about TV. Via GeekPress.

2003-09-24T10:42:00.000-05:00

Hidden ironies of Hurricane Isabel, as pointed out by Harry Shearer, in town with the "a Mighty Wind" tour (from todays Washington Post):

"The irony," Shearer said, "is being here after the hurricane, hearing about all these people without power. That's what this town is all about, isn't it? Power? It's like going to L.A. and finding that there are 500,000 people who are suddenly without screenplays."

2003-09-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

Miscellany

Random Simpsons quote:
Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

~~It's not a tumor~~ (It's not a working link)

2003-09-24T09:02:00.000-05:00

Check out Al Franken on the Daily Show with John Stewart. About half way through the interview, Franken comes up with a great idea for a John Kerry campaign ad.

Here's a direct link to the interview (real player format).
The Daily Show with John Stewart

Congradulations to the Daily Show for winning two Emmy awards!!!

2003-09-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

Yet another 'we-don't-want-to-live-with-you' letter just appeared in my in-box. I had wanted to write about a whole bunch of stuff today (Paul Bremmer telling us that we need to give Iraq money now to keep it from becoming a terrorist haven; the first day of autumn and how much I prefer that word to 'fall'; the idiot-boy-king speaking to the UN; how much I'd like to live in Capitol Hil; my job; and various little irks that occured to me this morning while crammed like cattle on the Metro) but I find myself too glum about not getting this place and other stuff to bother.

Oh well, at least "7" is out of my head...

Shit. Nevermind....

all seven.....

2003-09-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

HELP!!!

I've got Prince's "7" in my head. It won't leave:

All 7 and we'll watch them fall
They stand in the way of love
And we will smoke them all
With an intellect and a savoir-faire
No one in the whole universe
Will ever compare

I say again, help me!!!!

2003-09-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

Guess what tomorrow is... aargh...

2003-09-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

I'm sick. I've come down with a case of strep throat. I hate being sick. I don't get ill too often. Occasionally I feel under the weather or unwell, have a headache or get a cold, but it's not often that I actually get sick. I haven't felt sick like this since junior high school. This is a fall over when you stand up kind of sick, a split lips from the fever kind of sick, a sick where you feel like you're swallowing razorblades. I hate being sick, and I show it.

I become truly pathetic. I flop around under copious amounts of blankets and comforters, thinking I’m about to die. I slide off my bed and roll/crawl/walk/whine/sleep my way over to the couch. I sleep on the floor. I go crazy and start to convince myself that I have any number of rare diseases. This phenomenon first occurred on Christmas day when I was a freshman in high school. I was visiting my father and came down with a particularly nasty 24 hour flu (as I frequently did when I visited my dad, go figure) and took to reading one of my new gifts, Richard Preston’s The Hot Zone, a book about the Ebola virus (I was, and still am, a great big nerd). For 12 full days (keep in mind I was only sick for 24 hours) from the birth or Christ to the Epiphany, I was sweating bullets in fearful anticipation of the inevitable “crash and bleed out” that Preston describes so graphically in his account. At any rate, The Hot Zone is a great book, pick it up, it’s scary as hell, and a few of my friends parents play prominent roles as Ft. Detrich disease specialists.

This time, the phantom disease was the West Nile virus, this one is really easy to convince yourself you have, its symptoms are just like the flu and all you need is to have been bitten by a mosquito.

Anyway, I’ve been inside for essentially 3 days and am going insane. I’m going nuts. And now we’ve got a fucking hurricane bearing down on the city, woo-hoo… I’ll tell ya, this past couple of weeks have worked wonders for my housing search…

This just in: I agree with Dick Cheney "I think it's not surprising that people make that connection [between Iraq and the September 11th attacks]" Cheney said Sunday on Meet The Press. And I completely agree, because during the build up to the war in Iraq this administration led the uninformed masses to that very conclusion. It was fine 9 months ago, but in the aftermath of the war, with an election on the horizon, the official administration line has to be closer to the truth—there less refutable lies to spew at this time.

Just heard on NPR: scientists in South America have found the skeleton of a rodent that would have weighed 3/4 of a ton. That's a 1500lb guinea pig. A horse-sized hamster. More on this story as it develops...

2003-09-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

Psssst, hey you. Yeah, you. What are you doing on September 19th?

Aaargh, that's what I thought, mateee.

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded

[Update: A kind soul reminded me that I neglected to post the source of these comments. Here's the source. I'd like to point out that I wasn't trying to take credit for another's humor, I linked to their page at the top of this post.

2003-09-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

I should be working but I can't. I want to but I'm distracted. I watched part of the Idiot Boy King's speech to the nation on Sunday night, but had to leave in the middle. Today, I read the speech and listened to it online. Not to harp on the same thing over and over here, but I still can't believe that this many Americans voted for this guy. Come on, have you even seen him speak? I just don't think that the man comes off as intelligent at all, I'm not going to sit here and call him stupid, you can decide that. But you can't deny that the man in unable to deliver a speech. He sounds like an 8th grader reading infront of the class, trying to correctly pronounce each of the words on the page (or in this case teleprompter) while paying absolutely no attention to the actual sentences he is speaking, just-- try-ing-- to-- fin-ish-- each-- sen-tence-- with-out-- garb-el-ing-- the-- whole-- thing.

Compare that to Clinton. In 1993, addressing a joint session of Congress and a huge television audience, Clinton had to deliver the first 9 minutes of a speech on healthcare without the assistance of a teleprompter or any notes. Paul Begala (a Clinton speech writer) tells Frontline what happened:

So the poor guy is up there alone and naked [insert Clinton jokes] on the most complex public policy issue, a fairly complex bill, and he went the first nine minutes without a note, and nobody could tell. It was phenomenal. Worse than that, the teleprompter screens are whizzing forward and backwards with last year's speech, trying to find it, and finally, they killed it all together and reloaded it. Nine minutes the guy went without a note, and no one could tell. It was a phenomenal--it's part of the Clinton legend.

Just think, Bush was reading teleprompters to cameras, no audience, and had notes in his hands, and he still managed to look like a child giving a report to his elementary school class. But enough of that. Sorry for the personal attack, so the guy can't read aloud. I've had some problems with it myself in the past. It's the content of the speech that is infuriating.

I won't go on too long about this, because I'm not one of those 'political bloggers" at least not at all times. But there is only so much of this I can take without exploding.

We've let this administration hijack our nation. They’ve used the tragedy that occurred nearly two years ago, manipulating the national conscious with it; stirring our fears and our emotions; tugging on the strings of a national sense of loss; and stoking the fires of our anger with the violent rhetoric of revenge and retaliation concealed as arguments for security. It’s emotional blackmail on a national scale. And I continue to believe that this blackmail has been perpetrated to forward an agenda and strengthen a grip on power.

They haven’t merely lied to us, they have distorted our reality, and the American people have swallowed the Kool-Aid. According to the Bush administration, we didn’t invade Iraq, we “liberated” the people; we acted not merely with a small cache of allies against the will of the international community, but with a “broad coalition”; the war was not a preemptive strike, but a more akin to the conflict with our enemies in WWII, directly, aggressively threatening the entire world and slaughtering millions (an insidious comparison with little merit).

But most importantly, they have told us that the war had nothing to do with votes, or revenge, or oil, or money, or a global power agenda. They told us we were threatened by weapons of terrifying destructive power. They told us Iraq was directly linked to the men who perpetrated those heinous crimes on innocent Americans two years ago. They told us that Iraq represented a threat to our security, our lives, our children, our very way of life.

And we believed. As a nation, we believed and we followed blindly on the march to war. We followed as people shouted from the left and from across the Atlantic that we gave Iraq many of those weapons, that there is no evidence that Iraq was tied to Al Quaeda, that bin Laden had referred to Hussein as an infidel, and that the suggestion that Iraq posed a threat to the United States was laughable.

But by then Iraq was no longer a country in the eyes of this nation. It was simply an enemy. As Bush put it on Sunday: “...America put out the fires of September the 11th, and mourned our dead, and went to war ... We have carried the fight to the enemy. We are rolling back the terrorist threat to civilization, not on the fringes of its influence, but at the heart of its power.” And that simply, Baghdad is the heart of the terrorist threat to civilization. The assertion is not questioned by the media, nor even by the left.

Americans and Iraqis die every day and it seems acceptable from home now that the new TV season is about to start, only a few more weeks until American Idol is back. The President is asking for $87 billion (bringing the total cost of the war to around $160 billion, that’s in addition to the DoD’s $400 billion budget, in comparison, the department of education’s total budget is $53.1 billion) from Congress. The administration has told the Iraqis that it was up to them and not the American-led occupiers to control violence unleashed since the fall of Saddam Hussein. Secretary Rumsfeld said, "Instead of pointing fingers at the security forces of the coalition because there are acts of violence taking place against Iraqi people in this country, it's important for the Iraqi people to step up and take responsibility." Bush has told the world that the "Members of the United Nations now have an opportunity -- and the responsibility -- to assume a broader role in assuring that Iraq becomes a free and democratic nation." But it is a broader role under his terms, and the international community, slighted by Bush months ago, is not so quick to return with their tails between their legs, begging uncle Shrub for forgiveness, and a piece of his aid pie. Although not all nations have turned their back on the Bush administration, Turkey's government is eager to send troops, and is probably not at all influenced by today's announcement of $8.5 billion dollars in aid.

And all this against the backdrop of defecits and tax cuts; state and local fiscal shortfalls and service cutbacks. Mr. Bush what happened to the promise that the reconstruction would be paid for with Iraq's oil? Where is all that oil money...

[Update I do not mean to suggest that the oil money is being pilfered by the administration, just that the promises never materialized]

But hell, what do I know, he lowered my taxes. With the extra money I get every two weeks I could buy an extra pack of cigarettes (well half a pack of cigarettes, or a pack of smokes 10 years ago). I don't have kids to worry about.

2003-09-08T17:05:00.000-05:00

Remember it's only 11 Days untill National Talk Like A Pirate Day!!!!

2003-09-08T16:49:00.000-05:00

This Just In
(Ok, well just in for me, it's been known for some time everywhere else)
CBR (comic book reader???) News reports the following:

"Dark Horse Comics announced they would publish a quarterly comic anthology called "Michael Chabon Presents…The Amazing Adventures of the Escapist."

And from another source (that source being DB, who got it from, "a magazine"):

There is life after the Pulitzer Prize-In comic bookes. In dec, michael chabon debuts an 80-page tale of the Escapist, the superhero created by the titular comics wunderkinder of Chabon's 2000 novel the amazing adventures of Kavalier and Clay. TI gets more meta. The quarterly (written part by Chabon and drawn by such pedigreed artists sa Electra's Bill Sienkiewicz) comes complete with a "history", from the Escapist's first appearance in 1939 to hte present: "There's a point in the '60's wherethe character is in dispute" says Chabon, "and ends up in the hands of a company that produces hair-care products for an African American market"

If you haven't read "Kavalier and Clay" pick it up at your local library. It's a fantastic read.

In more Chabon news, Entertainment Weekly reported that Miramax Books signed Michael Chabon to write not one, but two sequels to Summerland, his baseball novel for kids, and young adults.

Later Folks

2003-09-08T16:16:00.000-05:00

Woo-Hoo!!! Pretending Along Makes Its Triumphant Return!!! Did ya miss us? Did you even notice we were gone?

If you missed the drama it is cataloged in the two posts below. That was quite worrisome, but we're back. Wow, I'm using we, like the 'royal we.' Everyone knows it's just me, so, I'm back!! Woo Hoo.

Thanks a whole lot to Blogger customer support!!! Graham was a massive help. Used blogger's customer support function this afternoon, and three hours later the problem was resolved. In this age of crappy customer support even for products one has paid for, it was refreshing to receive prompt, effective support from a non-subscription based web-hosting service to solve a problem born of my own monumental stupidity. Here's the email exchange between me and blogger support:

From: "Chris XXXXXXX"
Subject: Accidentally Deleted My Blog
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2003 09:15:57 -0700

I'm a goober. I had three blogs and wanted to delete one, accidentally I
clicked on the incorrect blog (pretendingalong.blogspot.com) and without
noticing that it was the wrong one I deleted it. A short time later, I
realized my mistake so I entered the url and the blog appeared as normal
(I guess it still resided in the temporary internet files on my computer).

I saved that page so I would have it to reconstruct the blog. Then I
restarted the blog, going through the motions of starting a bew blog, same
name, same template, same everything. I copied and pasted all that had
been on the remaining page so there would be something there.

This morning I opened the saved page and set about attempting to
reconstruct the blog. To my suprise, the archive still works. Apparently
the archive still exist somewhere on your servers. So, here's my question,
can I connect my reconstructed blog to the archives of the original?
Please help me. I don't want to lose it.

Thanks alot,

Chris

From: "Blogger Support"
To: "Chris XXXXXX
Subject: Re: [#5778] Accidentally Deleted My Blog
Date: Mon, 08 Sep 2003 12:06:56 -0700

Hi Chris,

I restored the blog you originally deleted, so the best thing to do would
probably be to get rid of the new one and use the old one with all the
archives on it. That way you can just move a few new posts over to the old
one (whatever you've written since the deletion) rather than moving lots
of old posts over to the new one.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

Sincerely, Graham

Graham Fucking Rocks

2003-09-08T16:10:00.001-05:00

Update I have figured out what happened to my blog. After countless hours of study, meticulous examination of lines of code, and mind bending searching of blogger's internal databases I have found the reason for the disappearance: I am an idiot. I accidentally deleted my blog. Well, accidentally-on-purpose. You see I had a couple of blogs running from my account and I wanted to delete one of them. To do that you have to click on the desired blog, enter the settings, select “delete blog,” and then confirm that you want to delete it. Which makes sense, it’s fool-proof. Well, leave it to a fool to prove them wrong. I selected the wrong blog and deleted it; thus confirming my long held belief: I am a complete nincompoop.

I have however learned that the archives reside on a different server, so they still exist. I’ll link to them here until blogger can ‘help a blogga out.’

-May
-June
-July
-August

Till we meet again...

2003-09-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

OK Update, the Blog has been lost. I was able to copy what was still in my computer from before and post it here. Such a shame.

Chris

2003-09-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

Reading: Who Moved My Cheese? (for work)

Hey who moved my cheese? Did you move my cheese? Dude, that’s not cool. I was going to eat that; I haven’t had lunch yet. Seriously, that is not fucking cool. That was my fuckin’ cheese. Where the hell did you put my cheese? How would you like it if I took your hamburger and moved it, and then wouldn’t tell where I’d placed it? I bet it’d piss you off, you fat son of a bitch.

Ok, I’m sorry I called you fat, but I want my damn cheese, where the hell did you put it?

What the fuck do you mean you put it in a maze?!?! I can’t believe this. Fuck you, man! That is really not cool. I mean... But... That’s just... See how worked up you’ve gotten me. Dude just give me the damn cheese... It’s a WHAT?

Look guy, I don’t care if it is a metaphor for what we want to have in life. What I want in life is my cheese. And furthermore, if you stole my damn cheese just to teach me some pedagogic lesson about how to react to different situations in my employment or personal life I swear I am going to kick your ass. That’s how I fucking react when someone moves my fucking cheese.

Look here, you pathetic, new-age, self-help, ass-monkey, do it again and I’ll shove you, Deepak Chopra, The Two Minute Manager, I’m OK You’re Ok, and The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People so far up Dr. Phil’s ass that you’ll have a front row seat as he plants his weekly smooch on Oprah’s rear.

Fuck the cheese; I’m going to get a beer and some nachos…

This is the sort of thing that goes through my head in nine hour meetings. Some people have kitten paws, I react imaginarily to moved cheese.

2003-08-29T09:36:00.000-05:00

If I had just gotten off my high horse and watched the damn MTV video music awards I would not have missed this. No, I'm not going to post the pic of Brittney Spears and Madonna 'open-mouth' kissing at the award show, but not for any moral or pretentious reasons, it's just that the thing is everywhere and if you haven't seen it already you can follow the link or look it up.

I said earlier that I was on a high horse-- that's not exactly true. It's not that I'm culturally opposed to MTV and all that it stands for, I just have absolutely no desire to watch a self-congratulatory "awards show," where millionaires give each other awards for making three minute commercials. After 5 years of not watching, I recently started tuning into VH1 and MTV while I'm getting ready for work in the morning. I do this because I can't stand those asinine "good morning" shows on the networks, and the local news (FOX) is sensationalized horseshit. Plus, I recently learned that there is actually music on MTV and VH1 between the hours of 4am and 8 am, who knew. Anyway, I don't really watch it, I just listen to it in the background because I don't have a working radio in the house. Basically, MTV does not interest me. Sure, I like to see beautiful gyrating half-naked women as much as the next guy, but I can no longer make the connection between that and rock or rap music (and don't even get me started on hip hop music--forgive the interlude-- Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of the March on Washington, and to commemorate, MTV has 50-Cent, a former crack dealer, performing his tribute to positive African American role models, P.I.M.P. A performance that prompted Chris Rock to quip, “Today is the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s 'I Have a Dream’ speech — isn’t it nice to see that his dream has finally come true?" Now I did not see the show, I was watching an ABC news special on the March on Washington, so I'm not sure, but if MTV did nothing to mention or commemorate the March's anniversary, or Dr. Kings speech it is a shame, especially considering the amount of money that the network has made off of music created by or inspired by African Americans--i.e. all the money the network has made, ever. I hate that I see the likes of Eminem, Snoop Dog, 50 Cent, and R. Kelly glorified, while groups like the Roots and Black Eyed Peas have to almost sell out on their fan base by making pop/rockish hip hop tunes to get mainstream airplay. Thank goodness for the likes of them, Missy Eliot, Public Enemy and others. Not that I don't like hip hop, it just makes me sad to see what sells these days. Anyway sorry for the interruption).

I think I was talking about why I don't watch MTV. I'd much rather listen to music than watch videos, mostrap videos today look like most rock videos ten years ago with all the half-naked women (and lets be realistic, those weren't all that interesting outside of teenage sexual stimulation), with a healthy dose of materialism, violence, and drugs thrown in for good measure. And rock videos really don't interest me, I'm thinking of two in particular. First, I don't give a shit if some chick is wandering around on the ledge outside of her apartment whining about how she is dead inside without some guy. Now, I can handle the tune on the radio, but if the video is on I just want someone to come along and push her off the ledge so she can fall to her death and the video will end which is what happens anyway, but they make us sit through four and a half minutes of pseudo artistic shit to get there. Second, has rock music that appeals to teens always been such whiny crap? "don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored. Hear me out now, you're going to listen to me like it or not." My 16 year old neighbor should sue Linkin Park for copyright infringement, cause I swear I heard her screaming these words at her mother last year after she was denied use of the family car. And pop music, Jesus Christ, such a large measure of it is shit anyway, why do we need to pollute the airwaves of two forms of media with this drivel?

Ok, so I'm a bit bitter, I had originally intended this post to be about how MTV has given two generations of men, ages 12 to 40, a brand new masturbatory fantasy. The 40 year olds get to see the ultimate hottie from their past making out with the unattainable, young, former Lolita, ultra-hottie of the present (apparently Madonna made out with Christina Aguilera as well, so make that 2 young, ultra-hotties). The 12 year olds get their fantasy girls making out with an older hottie. Was Charmin a corporate sponsor? (I didn't just say that).

And while I'm on the subject, of award shows, I hate them all except for the Grammys, Oscars, and Tonys, and even those are wearing thin these days. All the rest are merely rich people giving each other meaningless awards. I want televised awards shows for the rest of us, where celebs give us awards. Awards like:

-Biggest door-mat for an unreasonable, tyrannical, unrelenting, micromanaging, asshole boss
-Most comprehensive office gossip
-Most hours stuck in traffic on the way to work without killing another motorist
-Most hours spent web-surfing/job-hunting to avoid actual work
-Longest unnoticed in-office nap
-Most jobs worked concurrently to put three unappreciative kids through college, while some blonde whore or a former crack dealer makes millions selling $17 pre marketed, over produced records

Also, I recently saw an ad for "True Hollywood Story: The Real World" on the E! network. Too bad for E!, however, VH1 scooped 'em, making the first reality show (behind the scenes shows are reality shows) about a reality show with VH1 Goes Inside: The Real World

PLEASE SOMEBODY STOP THE MADNESS

2003-08-28T13:55:00.000-05:00

In a continuation of Tuesday's theme, more Letters from People Who Don't Want to Live with You

Today's entry was received at 1:48 pm. Read on:

Hi, guys, just wanted to send out a quick message to let you know that the room has already been rented. We really enjoyed meeting all of you, and it was a hard decision! Good luck with your housing search!

Sincerely,

The people who don't want to live with you.

P.S. Tonight we'll be helping our new roommate move in and then having a nice dinner where we will laugh at those losers who are still looking for somewhere to live.

I may have modifed that last one a bit, but I think my edits capture the email's subtext.

2003-08-26T10:37:00.000-05:00

I still don’t have a place to live. It’s driving me nuts. I absolutely hate looking for somewhere to live, even more than I hate actually moving. I turn into this obsessive character, fixating on the fact that I can’t find a place to reside. I cease being the Chris that we all know and love; I become this guy who can’t find anywhere to live. It takes over my life. It’s not a pretty thing. It’s getting out of hand. And since I’m looking for a room in a house, the potential for obsession becomes even greater. Each open house is like a job interview with four or five interviewers. So if I don’t get a particular place I sit and wonder, why didn’t they like me… I’m fairly sure that I don’t make the greatest first impression so I feel that I’m at a disadvantage from the start. It doesn’t help that most of the places I’d like to live are occupied by fairly liberal, laid back people who have cool jobs and are doing things to help the world, things that I’d like to be doing, whereas I… well just read the following dramatic rendition of any number of my recent experiences:

It’s 8:30 p.m. the scene is the living room of a Glover Park group house where our hero is attempting to put his best foot forward and find a place to live. Our hero, having just finished work is wearing a shirt, tie, slacks, and recently shined shoes (he left his jacket in the car). Also in the living room are three young men and a young woman, each extremely casually dressed in shorts, sandals or bare feet, tee-shirts, ripped button-up tees, etc. Each is holding a can of beer. (The irony here is that our hero could probably be described in exactly the same manner if he’d come from anywhere but the office.)

CHRIS: So what do you guys do for a living?

COOL GUY #1 (relaxing on couch, reading a collection of Beat poetry): I’m work for a homeless advocacy group. In my spare time, I play in a jam band and find homes for lost puppies.

COOL GUY #2 (playing the Playstation): I’m getting my PhD in modernist fiction from NYU, but I’m teaching a couple of classes at American this semester.

CHRIS: Really? That’s great, I’ve often thought about going back… (drowned out by the videogame)

COOL GUY #2 : What was that?

CHRIS: (sheepishly) I’ve often thought about going back and getting a Masters.

COOL GUY #2 : You really ought to do it, man. After I got my MFA in creative writing from Stanford, I realized that I wasn’t in a place in my life where I could actually write fiction…I needed to just be a critic for a while.

CHRIS: Ummm, yeah, I know what you mean… (trails off, looks to the next interviewer, a 20-something young woman, peppy and hippy-ish, wearing a tee-shirt with the name of a respectable southern university)

COOL GAL: I just got back from a summer in [insert impoverished third world country].

CHRIS: What were you doing there?

COOL GAL: Mostly development work, I’m getting my masters in international development from Georgetown. So is “Cool Guy #3.”

COOL GUY #3: Actually, it’s International Law, but yeah, “Cool Gal” and I met in the Peace Corps in South America and then bumped into each other a couple of years later at Georgetown.

CHRIS (Mildly relieved): So you two are both students, mostly?

COOL GAL: Well in my free time, although I don’t have too much of it, I try to volunteer a bit. I work with addicted children, collect clothes for the homeless, organize opposition to the Patriot Act, volunteer at hospice, bring my orphaned baby pet squirrel to nursing homes, promote habitat for humanity, give free ESL courses at the local community center, and work at a soup kitchen. Oh, I almost forgot, I recently ‘adopted’ a 40 mile stretch of I-95 that I clean on a weekly basis. (Chris slowly turns his eyes to Cool Guy #3)

COOL GUY #3: I brew beer and grow pot in the basement.

COOL GUY #2: Chris, in your email, you said that you’re a young professional, what is it that you do?

CHRIS (uber-sheepishly): I’m do marketing writing for a multi-billion dollar, multinational corporation whose clients include the federal government, all branches of the military, and a slew of Fortune 500 companies. We also do those little cameras that automatically catch you if you run a red light, and then send you a ticket.

(a panicked, desperate internal monologue has begun as Chris searches for redeeming qualities: We also do human services work, help people get child support, child care… I’m just a writer for the company, it’s not even what I want to do… I want to go back to school… I’ve got hobbies. I like to run, play racquetball, kayak, read… Jesus that beer looks good… Say something, anything, JESUS, MAN, SAY SOMETHING)

CHRIS: In my spare time I eat poor babies.

COOL GUY #3 (mildly abruptly): So, we'll let you know later this week.

The search continues...

UPDATE
In an update to my previous post, I just checked my hotmail account and received not just one, but two "We're sorry but..." letters. Just for kicks, I'll post one of them:

Hey all,

I wanted to thank you all for coming by last week. We were overwhelmed by how many people stopped over. We have filled the open room, but the decision was not easy! Good luck to all of you as you continue your housing search...never a fun activity.

Take care,

The people who don't want to live with you

Ok to be fair, these people were incredibly nice, and they didn't exactly sign it, "The people who don't want to live with you" I added that myself.

2003-08-21T19:13:00.000-05:00

"When I look down, I just miss all the good stuff / When I look up, I just trip over things..."

--a little Ani DiFranco

2003-08-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

Currently reading...
Skinny Legs and All, by Tom Robbins

Just checked out
--Stardust and The Books of Magic both a graphic novel and a mini series both by Neil Gaiman (I went to get American Gods but it was checked out)
--Beethoven Bernstein Hilliar Hahn
--Portishead Portishead
--Little Plastic Castles Ani DiFranco

Libraries are fucking awesome!

2003-08-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

Saw Winged Migration last night. More on that later.

Apartment hunting sucks.

Anyone know someone in DC with a room to rent??? Help a blogga out.

2003-08-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

Pictures from Walther Production's Grassroots Festival
Security wouldn't let me go out to my car and get my camera at the festival last week, so I asked a stranger with a digital camera to take some pictures of Yonder Mountain String Band for me. Here are a couple (pictures courtsey of Mark; thanks!!!!):

2003-08-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

Where were you during the Blackout of 2003?

...Sitting on my ass, in an thoroughly air conditioned house drinking a cold beer, reading Breakfast at Tiffany's by fluorescent light, while intermittently watching the whole thing on cable TV.

At one point I was shocked (well not so much shocked considering the news media these days) and amused to hear a random anchor say, "Some are already calling it 'The Blackout of 2003.'" Now this in and of itself is not shocking or amusing. However, when the anchor who spoke the words is framed by a graphic with the headline "The Blackout of 2003," it scores some points in the amusing department. If anyone is calling it The Blackout of 2003, it's because the fucking news media is calling it "The Blackout of 2003."

When did the news media go from covering news-makers do becoming news-makers?

2003-08-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

I’m worried that I’m about to go postal… I’m not generally an angry person. I’m not violent. Although I’m not the most calm person most people know, I am all-in-all quite level-headed. However, IF I CANT GET THIS DAMN COMPLICATED SONG OUT OF MY HEAD SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN. It’s getting ridiculous. At about 7:30 am heard the song on the TV. I’m not sure if I was watching MTV or VH1, or if it was on a movie preview. Regardless, it has been in my head for approximately the last 8.5 hours.

If I go crazy and end up killing or maiming a fellow citizen, I think that I’m going to attempt to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. No jury in the world would convict me after hearing that song once and then imagining it running through their head the entire rest of the day. And after I got off I’d suggest that the victim’s family use third party liability laws to go after Avril Lavigne, her producer, whoever wrote the song, the record label, and anyone else who had anything to do with the damn thing.

I feel much better now.

2003-08-13T09:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, the blog has collapsed from within. Help....

2003-08-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

California Politics Update
Yesterday's Washington Post reported about Gallagher's visit to DC.

"Gallagher repaired to Jack's Famous Deli across 15th Street NW, where he took a seat near the entrance. "I just got kicked off the front steps of The Washington Post," Gallagher yells into his cell phone... Gallagher is running a campaign of substance, he says -- or as substantive as a campaign can be that has as its slogan, "Finally, a governor you can get drunk with."

"Have you read my platform?" Gallagher says to anyone who'll listen to him, which, given his voice, is everyone in the deli... Gallagher's platform includes, among other things, a commitment to use "big [expletive] helicopters" to clear away car accidents and ease traffic jams in a timely manner... And he also wants to make it illegal to talk loudly on cell phones in public places. "

FYI, this is the last time I will blog about this guy.

2003-08-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

Spotted at Jack’s Deli, next-door to my office and across the street from the Washington Post, this guy:

Yes, California gubernatorial candidate Gallagher was in town today drumming up coverage for his campaign. He was shouting into his cell phone about toy helicopters he picked up at the airport and singing the national anthem in Spanish. Strange.

2003-08-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

THIS WEEKEND…

Rented with my 12 year-old brother: Shanghai Knights. Crap. A big steaming, rancid, fly infested pile of crap. Watching this movie got me pissed off at (in no particular order):

--Hollywood, for the sheer volume of bilge water they release on a monthly basis. I spent an entire hour looking for a movie I could watch with my brother and this was the best I could come up with.

--Jackie Chan, sure Rush Hour was an entertaining film and made tons of money, but that does not mean that you have to continue to team up with an American in every film you do. You’re pigeonholing yourself and if you haven’t noticed, the scripts are getting progressively worse. What’s next, Chan with Freddie Prince Jr. in She’s All That II, Kung Fu Love?

--Owen Wilson. He’s obviously an intelligent guy, just look at Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, and The Royal Tenenbaums, but for Christ’s sake, STOP ACTING. Since 94 when Bottle Rocket came out, he’s rehashed the Dignan character for nearly all of his movies. I figure he’s only got to make one more crappy movie before they begin to outweigh his good ones and I can officially start to hate him.

--Me, for convincing myself that the first Shanghai movie was kinda good, when in reality, it was most likely crap as well, I just had extremely low expectations.

Next time I rent a film with my brother, I’m renting Gangs of New York. It may be an extremely violent, somewhat nihilistic movie, but at least it’s excellent film making.

Saw Some Bluegrass And Jam Bands at Walther Production’s Grassroots Festival on Saturday. Good stuff. Here’s the line-up

Jah Works: A reggae group out of Baltimore, not really my cup of tea, but they sounded tight. There is just something about seeing a white guy affecting a Jamaican accent to sing reggae music. Is it a rule that in order to sing reggae you’ve got to take on an accent? I guess you could think of 70’s and 80’s punk in a similar manner, so many little garage bands all tried to sound like the Sex Pistols or the Clash in both music and vocals. But when reggae does it, all I can think of is Snow. That said, they were fun and surprisingly political.

Carbon Leaf: This Irish-rock group out of Richmond did not disappoint. A lot of fun, I’d love to see them in a bar or small club. Check them out if you get the chance.

Yonder Mountain String Band: I love these guys. They were the reason I drove out to Cockeysville MD for this festival in the first place. They’re a straight acoustic, fairly traditional bluegrass band (bass, mandolin, banjo, and guitar) with a jam-ish progressive edge. They were, as usual, fantastic. I can’t say enough about these guys, just fantastic. To quote will Ferrell on SNL, they were 'scrumtrulescent.' Listen to a song here.

Jimmy Cliff: In describing Jimmy Cliff to me, a stoned, hippie concert goer referred to him as the Al Green of reggae. I wasn’t sure what that meant until about 30 seconds into his set and then it hit me, that’s the perfect description. The man is amazing. He’s got an inhuman amount of energy on stage, he seems to thrive on engaging the crowd, and he’s got incredibly happy feet. Cliff was wearing red pants, a red tee shirt and a red blazer. His band and backup singers were also mostly in bright red. Throughout his set he drew in the crowd, who was perhaps a bit tired of the rain that had been falling all morning and afternoon. Sure, to some (NM) he would come off as unforgivably hippy, leading the crowd in a round of “Save Our Planet Earth” but his good natured excitement was contagious and made up for any corny sentiment that might set some people off. So when he went into Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” the crowd was behind him 100 percent, a feeling that only increased as the clouds broke and the sun shined for the first time all day. A lot of goofed-up little hippies must be thinking that Jimmy Cliff has a direct line to God, hell I found myself wondering that for a few substance-induced seconds (did I mention it was also a beer festival?).

The Les Claypool Frog Brigade: What can you say about Les? Who the fuck knows… If you liked Primus, Oysterhead, Les Claypool’s Fearless Flying Frog Brigade, Les Claypool and the Holy Mackerel, Sausage, or any of his other projects chances are you would have liked Les’ set. He’s a strange cookie, but there’s no denying that he has made the bass his bitch. And when he breaks out his Whamola, watch out. If you haven’t seen a Les show, GO, it’s an experience. As I said Saturday night, “Please God never let me get to a point in my life that I no longer think that man is completely fucking bizarre.”

Rusted Root: I last saw Rusted Root about seven years ago. I think they played about the same set. Now to your hippie, jam band snob, that is the typical comment on Rusted Root. It sounds exactly the same every time. And I have to agree, I’ve seen them three times, the first 2 it was the same exact set. Saturday, there were a couple of new songs. That said, they do put on a hell of a song, they sound amazing live, no small feat when you consider the complexity of some of their arrangements. (Wow, I actually sounded like I know what I’m talking about.) Any way, it was great to hear “Send Me On My Way” live again it took me back to high school.

All in all, it was a good day, full of decent bands, beer, and hippies, with a few other types thrown in the mix for fun.

I Saw S.W.A.T. on Sunday with my brother. The worst thing I can say about this movie is that Colin Farrell’s character actually said these two lines: “let’s rock,” and “OK guys this is what we trained for.” The best I can say is that it was entertaining, broke no new ground, and did not bore me or piss me off, which is saying a lot considering movies these days.

Oh, and there was a West Wing marathon on Bravo on Sunday. I was lucky to make it off of the couch long enough to feed myself and my family. I actually moved the TV into the kitchen so I could watch while I cooked lasagna.

2003-08-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

It seems that in my blogging identity crisis a few days back I had my finger on the pulse of the blogging community. Check out Doonesbury on "Blogger's block" and "trolling for search engine traffic." (I take this as proof positive that Trudeau is reading my blog.)

Tomorrow, my weekend.

2003-08-08T14:10:00.000-05:00

Buy my friend's old aerobic equipment. Apparently it's like new, but it's not.

2003-08-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

Why I love my coworkers and am glad they're my friends: The following email conversation occured this morning while I was doing other work between 10:10 and 10:50. It sums up, rather quickly, the light heartedness and good nature of friends at work (and it's G rated which is a rarity).

Keep one thing in mind, the person I'm confersing with below sits in the office next to mine. Were it not for the wall that separates us we would spend the entire day facing each other over our computer monitors. We conversed for 40 minutes without speaking with 4 feet between us-- why, no real reason, she was humoring me in my attempt to be obnoxious and not leave my office all day, I failed.

Original Message-----
From: XXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 9:28 AM
To: Chris
Subject: joke

Q. How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 50,000--one to screw it in, 49,000 to follow it around till it burns out.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:11 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

Wow, that was sooooo funny

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:12 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

Sarcasm doesn't come across well in e-mail.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:13 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

How are ya?

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:13 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

Super.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:14 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

I think that I’m going to stay in my office the entire day and just have meaningless conversations with coworkers via email from the comfort of my own chair. I’d love to see how long I can keep it up.

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:15 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

You're gonna have to get up for basic needs.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:15 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

Like what, eh?

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:16 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

well, the bathroom, i'd hope. and you might get hungry.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:16 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

HA! You underestimate the size of my bladder. It has a gargantuan capacity.

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:17 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

isn't that bad for your prostate?

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:17 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

PROSTATE BE DAMNED!!!!!!!!!

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:18 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

Well, okay then. But I'm not coming to visit.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:19 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

Why not?

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:19 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

Do I need a reason?

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:20 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

I should think so… Why wouldn’t you?

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:20 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

It's a complicated, unreasonable world...

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:30 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

“It's a complicated, unreasonable world...” Not a good enough reason

From: XXXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:31 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

What's gonna happen if everyone ignores your e-mails?

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:34 AM
To: XXXXXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

I’ll cry… a lot… by myself… in my office… alone... so alone…

Suddenly feeling the need… to write bad… teen angst poetry… must resist…

From: XXXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:36 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

your dark soul calls out for help, but no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
tears of anger rolling down your cheeks,
you smash the glass that is your fragile heart.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:37 AM
To: XXXXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

the sun shining brightly outside
warming the street
like an ez bake oven
cannot thaw the black icy nothingness
that is the empty pit of my lonely soul

fly, blackbird
fly…

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:39 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

ooh, empty pit, that's a good one.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:41 AM
To: XXXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

Hey, ‘the glass that is your fragile heart’ is quite an image. It’s like Sylvia Plath, or Anne Sexton, or Linkin Park.

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:41 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

Damn, I was going for Taproot!

From: Chris A
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:46 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

Well, keep working you might get there soon. All you need is a good breakup, or for your parents to deny you use of the car for the evening and the self-piteous verse will come oozing out of you like sewage.

From: XXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:47 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

Or maybe I can just stub a toe. That will make me very very angry.

From: Chris
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:49 AM
To: XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: joke

That really irks me too.

From: XXXXXXX
Sent: Friday, August 08, 2003 10:50 AM
To: Chris
Subject: RE: joke

irk is not enough. you need fury.

2003-08-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

I want to post!!! I'm too busy!!! This is just awfull, there's so much to talk about. Arnold, Gary Coleman, a porn star, a porn magnate, a billboard queen, Leo Gallagher, Arianna Huffington, and God knows who else are going to run for governor of California (I really really wish I lived there right now); the church under which I was raised admitted a gay Bishop; the Daily Show was hysterical last night; Bush is using lawyers to find a way to ban gay marriage (queers across the nation should be shaking in their [insert bad footware joke here], he didn't even use lawyers to find out if he could take us to war*); I'm looking for somewhere to live (anyone, anyone); I'm exploring my employment options; there are monkey happy hours at the zoo to talk about; and I got new shoes that I actually like and don't regret spending the money on.

Also, all eligible Boston-area bachelors should hop on over to Joining the Masses. They're holding open auditions for the burgeoning romantic comedy that is Rhinestone's current ammusingly dramatic life.

More when I'm not busy.

*All credit for that one goes to the Daily Show writers, I stole it

2003-08-05T07:54:00.000-05:00

Guess Which Diva Was Spotted At Dinner...

You'd be amazed at how difficult it is
to find a remotely tasteful picture of this woman on the net

2003-08-04T09:42:00.000-05:00

Morning all!!!

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Mine was thoroughly enjoyable. Spent Firday and Saturday night out with friends in Old Town and Adams Morgan. Reaffirmed my love of the city. Went to the Zoo on Saturday afternoon. Zoos are a strange thing. It was not nearly as enjoyable as I remember it being (although the last time I was at the National Zoo I was 9), and in a way it was actually kind of depressing. But what did I expect, to find these animals frolicking happily together? They live in cages... I understand that many of the animals are in breeding programs, so it's a good thing for their species on the whole, but it was still a bit unsettling to see them in their little cages looking all depressed and lethargic. That combined with the recent problems the National Zoo has experienced in recent months, gave a sort of solemn feeling to my zoo visit.

That said here's a list of things I learned at the zoo:

1. Baby elephants are one of the most adorable creatures on the planet.

2. Seeing a video of an elephant giving birth can immediately make one reassess their belief that baby elephants are one of the most adorable creatures on the planet. In fact, it can make one reassess their opinion of the entire mammalian reproductive process, replacing it with something like, oh my god what sort of sick twisted creator makes a creature go through that. (I really wish I could find that video on line, it's incredible that something so remarkable could be so stomach-churningly repulsive)
3. Hippopotamuses (hippopotami?) are fucking huge, fat, funny-looking animals.
4. Watching and oranutan spit its food at a person pressing his face against the glass of the ape's enclosure is funnier than you'd think (or perhaps I'm just infantile).
5. I'd like to be a seal.
6. Cheetahs are scary even if they're sleeping.
7. Certain mole-rats resemble the male reproductive organ.
8. In addition to wanting to be a seal, I also want to be an otter.
9. I don't care if you tell me it's a rare south asian black squirrel, I saw the damn thing rooting around in a trash can on campus at the University of MD. It's a fucking squirrel.
10. People will line up for an hour in miserable heat to catch a glimpse of two endangered great pandas, marvelling at the creatures and being concerned with their plight. The same people will then throw their soda can on the sidewalk, get in their 15 mpg Lexus SUV, drive 20 miles (next to a Metro line the entire way) to their house in the suburbs which is built on "reclaimed" wetlands.
11. Camels, not inherently funny. Camel with a floppy front hump, quite funny.
12. If the prairie dogs are under ground, the Prairie Dog habitat looks like an extremely unkempt lawn with little holes in the ground.
13. Contrary to what I had previously believed, I can be irritated by obnoxious children to the point of wanting to throw them into the lion's or tiger's area.
14. Although they appear to eat hay, hippos have four massive tusk-like teeth. Talk about unnecessary.

2003-07-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

Pretending Along Identity Crisis

Hey all who still visit this place. I haven't posted for a while. Been having a bit of a blogging identity crisis. I'd been torn for a bit, unsure as to whether or not I should continue this little site. I've been wondering why I was even bothering to with posting on a daily basis. In thinking about the purpose of this strange fad, I can't really understand why people like me continue to post on a daily basis. I'm not really interested in this blog serving a sort of confessional purpose... I don't want to be one of those people who use their blog as a diary for all the world to see (although I imagine it could be rather therapeutic, it'd just have to be anonymous). That is not to say that these blogs are not fantastic pieces of writing, many are wonderful. I don't have the political insight or intelligence to turn this into an informative political blog. I'm not a person naturally gifted with humor; I don't intend this to be a political satire or humor blog. And I don't have the time, interest, or intelligence to offer interesting, relevant cultural critique (other than an irrational dislike of so called 'hipsters'). So what the hell am I doing with this site? Recently it has resembled a ragtag collection of links, small comments about my life, and non sequitur-esque rants about anything. Why do we (or, I should say I) insist on putting our opinions, things we think are interesting, distilled, dumbed down versions of our lives up on the net for anyone to see? What is the point of it for those of us without some sort of agenda?

Some might suggest that it is a form of diary writing, where we preserve our lives for posterity and reflection. But in general, a key aspect to the concept of a diary or journal is the private nature of it. Blogs, on the other hand, seem to me to be written to be read (at least most of them). And I think that many of us take some gratification when we are read. Why else would we have site counters and comment windows? But that does nothing to answer my question, why do we do it? Is it that there is a sort of vanity in being read by friends and strangers? Do we feel as if we've joined a sort of (virtual) community? (I really hate the term virtual community, nowhere does it say that a community has to be a group of people living together, I think it's an unnecessary modifier) Is it for efficient communication purposes with friends in our "real" community? (For instance, I've recently started a blog for a book club so that we can eliminate the irritating emails about what we're reading and where we're meeting) That's a possibility, but I can't say that's why I do it.

I think that my reasons are primarily three-fold:

1) There's the whole gratification and vanity one can take from having one's words read by friends and strangers
2) I need an utterly uncensored outlet for... well, me.
3) I sometimes get really, really bored at work.

That said I think I would like to try to keep a more personal journal either online or on paper. On line might be nice, although I think that anonymity would indeed be necessary. Who knows maybe I'll start one and you'll come across it, not knowing it is me.

So, should this blog continue? And if so, in what form?

I think that I'll continue posting for the time being, if a bit more sporadically.

2003-07-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

Umm... Hi, I'm a purple polar bear

2003-07-22T13:42:00.000-05:00

Check out "This Is A Magazine" it's quite interesting.

2003-07-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

And the heavenly choir of angels did sing praises, for he brought good news. Across the world men are rejoicing. New studies suggest that both masturbating and eating pizza on a regular basis may help prevent cancer.

The masturbation study, performed by the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne, Australia reported:

The protective effect is greatest while men are in their twenties: those who had ejaculated more than five times per week in their twenties, for instance, were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life (BJU International, vol 92, p 211).

While the pizza study reported the following:

The results showed that people who ate pizza once or several times a week were less likely to get cancer than those who chose not to eat it at all.

According to the study carried out by the Pharmacology Institute in the northern city of Milan, the risks of getting mouth, oesophageal or colon cancer plunged by as much as 34 per cent, 59 per cent and 26 per cent respectively.

Awesome!! And to think I can't eat pizza, well I guess I'll just have to increase my cancer fighting efforts elsewhere....

You perverts I was talking about quitting smoking.
(Via Linkfilter.)

2003-07-21T09:43:00.000-05:00

My weekend:
Adams Morgan for a birthday; a book club meeting: The Hulk (strange, not completely awfull, but strange); a bunch of bad movies on TV; started reading Prozac Nation; revisiting Tom Stoppard's The Invention of Love ; and drama in the personal life, lots of self-induced, well-deserved, self-destructive, completely avoidable drama. Woo-hoo.

2003-07-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

Arnold Compares Himself to Nelson Mandella

I'm not sure how I missed this one. I think that I saw something about it on "The Daily Show" a couple of days ago and the promptly forgott ahout. I must have thought it was a dream, because I couldn't imagine anyone actually saying the things he said without anyone in the media making a big deal out of it. He was on ABC's "Good Morning America" confronting a question about his lack of political experience. Here's what he said, let me know if I'm overreacting to this:

"'The politicians will tell you that, but the reality is different," he said, before drawing a light-hearted, somewhat surprising comparison between himself and Nelson Mandela.

"Nelson Mandela was never in politics. He was in prison for 26 or 27 years. And then he led South Africa and did a fantastic job," he said.

"There's a time when somebody from the outside has to step in and take control, and I think the time in California has come for that."

It seems unbelieveable to me that noone would sit back in disbelief, letting out a loud, "Wha?" Well he is Conan the Barbarian, The Terminator, and John Kimbel ("It's not a tumor") so it's not like we're expecting intelligent things to spill out of that gaping Austrian pie hole of his, but jeez, I think that takes it a bit far. (Quotes courtsey of a yahoo news article)

2003-07-18T14:19:00.000-05:00

I'm walking down the office hallway this morning singing to myself. The song I'm singing happens to be Love Shack by the B-52s. Don't ask me why I'm singing Love Shack, it's not my favorite B-52s song, I'd much rather be singing Roam or The Girl From Ipanema Goes to Greenland. But it's Love Shack I'm singing, that's just the way it is, I don't try to understand the way my mind works, I just accept it.

So I walk past a coworkers office just as I'm singing the "Tin Roof... Rusted!!!" part and get a rather strange look from the occupant of the office. I explain to her that I'm singing Love Shack and she says,

"OK. There is absolutely nothing strange about walking down the hall singing Love Shack."

And that was the end of the conversation. I personally don't believe that there is anything wrong with singing Love Shack while walking down an office hallway. Perhaps it would have been strange if I'd been belting out "Love Shack" at the top of my lungs, or if I'd been singing "I Feel Pretty," or "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria." Actually fuck that, if I have I Feel Pretty in my head and it wants to come out then damnit, I'm not going to be the one to stop it. And as long as it is not disturbing anyone, neither, for that matter, should you. If I have a song in my heart and I need to sing it at a moderately low level, so be it.

2003-07-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

Quote of the day

"Cocaine is like really evil coffee."

Normally I would never quote Courtney Love, but this is just too good to pass up.

2003-07-15T22:10:00.000-05:00

Just Saw The Greatest Movie of the Year with my younger brother. Pirates of the Caribbean 'effin rocked!!!! More on that in the morning.

I'll leave with one last thought. I loved Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham, which was one of those films that left me feeling great because it was a wonderful little film, but also a little depressed because I know I'll never meet that person in real life. (Actually at the time I was involved, or just getting un-involved, with a woman who reminded me all too much of her character in that film. Come to think of it, I saw Bend It... around the same time she was taking a big poo on the fragile surface of my heart. Woah, sorry about that. Too much info, on a number of levels)

But with Pirates... Keira Knightley has replaced buying a sailboat and sailing around the world as the "Official Completely Unattainable Dream" of Pretending Along. Here's to you lady.

I love ya dear, but heroin chic went the way of the
dodo back when the Y2K disaster failed to materialize.
So come on, have dinner with Chris, I'll buy you a
cheese burger... or six.

AARRR, indeed.

2003-07-14T13:20:00.000-05:00

Retiring Press Secretary Ari Fleischer Enters Wet Tee Shirt Contest

Fleischer is hosed down by drunken military men, while complacent
police officers look on from their truck

"Angry, Evil, Evasive, Lying, Balding,
Jewish, Republicans Gone Wild"

SEXAY!!!!

Unfortunately Fleischer lost the contest to super-sexy two-man team of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Incoming Press Secretary Scott McClellan pictured below:

The two sexy wet tee-shirt contest winners

Rumsfeld and McClellan teamed up to edge out the the retiring press secretary by improvising some man-on-man action that involved Rumsfeld's hands in the position shown above, and McClellan's great big wet ass exposed for all to see. Fleischer, when asked how it feels to loose a wet tee-shirt contest to your replacement and an evil old man said, "I have no information on how I feel right now."

2003-07-14T12:44:00.000-05:00

Take a look at the ergonomic keyboard for pirates:

Courtsey of defectiveyeti.com check it out.

2003-07-11T13:38:00.000-05:00

Please check out the Pornolizer

After running this site through the Pornolizer, the heading below came out like this:

"It's Pirate "Big Dick" Friday here at Pretending "Big Cock" Along"

2003-07-11T10:10:00.000-05:00

It's Pirate Friday here at Pretending Along

Blackbeard says: "Avast ye scurvy
dogs, check out pirate Friday!!"

So without further ado, I'm butsin out the pirate links:

What’s your pirate name?

Mine is:

Black Roger Read

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr!

-Pirates of the Spanish Main
-Pirate’s Hold
-Pirate Glossary
-Pirate Pictures
-Pirate Haven
(not really pirate oriented, but I like their logo)

2003-07-10T11:02:00.000-05:00

Forget scarring, infection, disease, or possibly being left with a stupid hole in one's bosy for the rest of your natural life, HERE is the most compelling argument against body piercing that I have ever come across.

2003-07-09T14:19:00.000-05:00

Add it to the list of small things that completely infuriate me

There are those times in my day when the only thing in the world that I want more than anything is a cup of coffee. I'm not really fiending or jonesing, there isn't a coffee-monkey on my back or anything, I sometimes just get my heart set on a cuppa joe. I'll be sitting there and reach for a glass of water while I'm typing away at something challenging- I'll be in the groove. And I'll think, you know what would really complete the groove, really get me in the zone, a hot cup of coffee. So I pick up my mug and head over to the kitchen. I can already feel the warm cup, filled to the brim, in my hands. I can already taste the strong, bitter, hot coffee on my tongue. I get to the urn, pick it up, tip it, and a single drop falls into my waiting mug.

HOW HARD IS IT TO BREW ANOTHER POT OF COFFEE WHEN YOU TAKE THE LAST FUCKING CUP?!?!?!? I always brew an extra pot unless it's around 5p.m. Jeez?

Groove-- no longer in it.
Zone-- no where near it.
Grrrrrrrrrrr......

2003-07-09T11:27:00.000-05:00

I posted Monday about the interesting search refer that I noticed. Well as it turns out, many people have experienced similarly odd reference pages and a site has been put together to document them. Thanks to NM for the heads up.

2003-07-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

In Case You Were Wondering just where your tax dollars are going and at what rate:

Check out the link for information on how these numbers are calculated and other programs that could be funded with this money.

2003-07-07T17:25:00.000-05:00

Good News and Sad News

The sad first: Barry White died on July 4 of kidney failure.

The Good News:

MICHAEL SAVAGE HAS BEEN FIRED, according to the AP. MSNBC has fired the hate-spewing, bigoted (sp?), racist, xenophobic talk show personality after he refered to a caller as a "sodomite. Savage then went on to say to the caller, "You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You have got nothing to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it."

He then asked for another phone caller who "didn't have a nice night in the bathhouse who's angry at me today."

All I can say is that it's about time the little shit got fired.

There is an interesting aspect to this story, however. Apparently Savage was having a call in discussion about airline horror stories, and a male caller began talking about smoking in the bathroom.

"Half an hour into the flight, I need to suggest that Don and Mike take your ..." the caller said, before he was cut off and his words became unintelligible. It seems that the caller was attempting to make a reference to radio DJs Don and Mike, whose syndicated talk show is based in here in DC, on WJFK FM. Don and Mike enjoy it when their listeners call other shows and make reference to "The Don and Mike Show."

So it appears that the hateful bastard just got a bit irked and let loose with a tirade of homophobic rage; the thing is, he was just pissed off at someone trying to mess up his show and he let his true bigoted self shine through. Way to go MIKE!

2003-07-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

"I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think."

Recognize the above quote? It’s from one of the greatest sports comedy movies of all time. Perhaps one of the greatest films ever made… Yes, that’s right, I’m referring to Caddyshack, the 1980 tour-de-force starring Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield. If you didn’t recognize the quote, don’t feel bad, not everyone can be expected to know all of the lines to an 80s gold comedy. Just ask the editors at the Roswell Record newspaper in Roswell, NM. A recent article on a Father’s Day golf tournament included these paragraphs:

They even unveiled a new kind of grass for the event. The inventor, Carl Spangler, said he is the assistant greenskeeper right now, though he is working to advance to head greenskeeper within five years. During his studies he came upon an amazing new kind of grass for the golf course.

"This is a hybrid ... of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent and northern California sensemilia,” Spangler said. “The amazing stuff about this, is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on the stuff."

The disheveled and apparently drunken Spangler was later escorted off the property. It appears he was never an employee of the Roswell Country Club, though he appears to have put in some time at a place called Bushwood. I don’t know ...

The name Carl Spangler, for those of you who haven’t noticed, bears a striking similarity name of the grounds keeper in Caddyshack, Carl Spackler. His character is responsible for the quote that opens this post, the quote that ran in the Roswell Record, and for numerous others. (I’ll get back to that later.) The reporter (sports editor Gregory M. Jones) who wrote the article was summarily fired after the joke was discovered. He told Salon.com (read the article) in a phone interview: "It was tongue in cheek. It was sports. I was trying to be light and breezy. I was trying to put out a story that people might like to read."

And you know what good for him. I mean, it’s a Fathers Day golf tournament in Roswell New Mexico, give the guy a break. This is Roswell New Mexico for goodness sakes, can this town really take itself that seriously?!? Do you know what the big news in town was last week, actually, it seems, for the whole summer? The 2003 UFO festival. The Annual UFO festival represents one-third of the town’s chamber of commerce. Also, if it was such a big deal that they ahd to fire the sports editor, why is the article still in their website archives?

Anyway, here’s the real reason for the post, Carl Spackler quotes:

--Mrs. Crane! You're a little monkey woman, you know that? Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my…

--Sandy: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! THE LITTLE BROWN, FURRY RODENTS!
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

---License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

--I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

--So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one---big hitter, the Lama---long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

2003-07-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

Check out AIEEE (Acronym Interaction, Expansion and Extrapolation Engine)

2003-07-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

OK I know I said I wouldn't be posting much but this is too good to be ignored. Apparently people are being refered to this site from a variety of sources. My personal favorite is the person who reached Pretending Along via a Google search for "Gay Strip Club". Try it yourself, the link to this site shows up on the third results page.

Thinking about this more, I'm getting concerned. If you Google my name, nothing remotely related to me appears. But if you're looking for some hot naked studs you might accidentally stumble across my personal website. Strange. Now that I think of it, I should probably remove the phrase "hot naked studs." On second thought, traffic is traffic. But if you're looking for hot naked studs or gay strip clubs, this probably isn't the place to find it. Try here.

2003-07-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

I won't be posting very often this week. That's because I'll be busy with work. I am going to be an incredibly productive employee. I'll be effecient, effective, and industrious. Like an ant. I'll be carrying objects 20 times my own body weight. Serving only the queen (perhaps that's beesn but I think ants do it too) I will function only to add to the greater glory of the mother company!!!! Later.

2003-07-03T23:09:00.000-05:00

Tax Cuts and Jobs AKA, things I couldn't talk about when I was too busy at work

OK, I haven't figured out the perma link thing but I blogged a month or so ago about the Bush tax cuts. Here is a link to the post (May 13). So despite all my bitching and moaning Congress and our rightfully elected president went along with the cuts anyway (just imagine, this administration not listening to the people).

Well, I'm a stand-up guy; I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong. And in this case I WAS WRONG. THE TAX CUTS WERE A GOOD THING. Now, now, fellow liberals, let me explain. Two weeks ago my boss presented me with my bi-weeky pay stub (I have direct deposit). I was getting ready to shove the worthless piece of perforated folded paper into the bottom of the drawer I have dubbed "the check stub drawer" when something caught my eye. There was something different about my check. I thought back to a conversation I'd had at Father's day with my uncle about the tax cut and then it all became clear. Uncle Jim had said that he had noticed a decrease in his taxes on his previous check. I thought about it and I realized that I'd heard something about it on NPR as well.

Well, after further scrutiny, I found out what was different. One of the digits on my net pay column that normally read "3" now reads "8." Wanna guess which place the digit occupies? I'll give you a hint, it's next to the decimal point but it isn't 10 cents. Yes that's right, folks, my paycheck went up $5.00 every 2 weeks!!! woo hoo. (how do you imply sarcasm in 2 typed words, lower case italics?)

Now I'm not complaining, I make enough money to do well for myself. Frankly that 5 bucks is an exra pack of smokes a week (which I'm hoping will kill me sooner so I will have to rely on whatever skeletal remnants of social security and medicare this administration has left my generation after the baby boomers for less time than my peers). But there are MANY families and single parents who rely on the same amount I earn each week to support parents and children. To them 5 dollars a week is pittance-- Fuck pittance, five dollars every 2 weeks is an insult. (and I know these families take more exemptions than I do, but my reduction is a result of across the board payroll tax cuts) And when considering the current fiscal crises the states are experiencing (as discussed in May, when the federal govt cuts taxes it passes the defecit to the states) this insult is compounded. Take a look at my home state's current state of affairs: the republican governor has ordered the BPW (The BPW may be unique to MD politics I'll try to post a link explaining that later) to withhold $650m of already approved funds; state university tution is rising by as much as 21 percent (THE THIRD TIME IN A YEAR!! HOW CAN YOU RAISE TUITION THREE TIMES IN ONE YEAR? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE); and the fiscal condition of the state had gotten worse in the last 6 months despite republican backed stimulus packages in effect nation wide.

But this is why we have the tax cut don't you see? This is why I said I was wrong. If a family making the same amount of money as I do has to send their kid to college they will need all the help they can get. The $130 yearly that we'll be getting back due to the payroll tax decrease can be used to buy 2 books for the college student, freeing $130 of book money to cover about a percent of the 21 percent increase at State schools. ON TOP OF THAT, if I have a parent who is out of work, that 5 every 2 weeks can be used to let them pay the rising costs of public transit to go out and look for work. But that parent will be in work soon, right? That's what these tax cuts were for, to stimulate the economy, give rich people money so they could create jobs, right? We're on the upswing... IT'S NOT LIKE THE JOBLESS RATE IS AS HIGH AS IT"S BEEN IN A DECADE... oh shit...

A quote from Lewis Black on the Daily show a couple of weeks ago (I'm sure I have it wrong, but the gist is there):

[on trickle down economics] "it used to be called trickle down economics, before that it was called voodoo economics, before that it was called supply side economics, and before that it was called SCREWING THE OKIES!!"

later

2003-07-03T15:22:00.000-05:00

Going Campin' Actually, I'm going to sleep in a treehouse in the woods which may be even cooler. Should be fun... I'll let y'all know how it goes later.

Have a nice holiday.

2003-07-02T15:49:00.000-05:00

Hey Everybody!!! Check out these links:

-How much do you know about your senses? Take the senses challenge (thanks Smith)
-Here's another link, thanks Nikki

2003-07-02T13:33:00.000-05:00

Anyway, I did eventually make it to NY, and had a fantastic time. DB and I went out for happy hour and I got her drunk. Then we went out for dinner (at a great Thai place) and drinks (at other places) in Brooklyn and she got me drunk (Well I should actually take the credit for that too, she could have forced me to drink the entire bottle of wine minus her one glass at dinner, but I kinda doubt it. She did, however, at another bar, order the very large drink for 2-- which was served in a stone goblet that had a small fire in the middle-- and not really have any).

Well to keep this story shorter that yesterday’s installment, I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, I became rather intoxicated and we ended up sitting on a swing set and talking like old, old friends (which is rather strange since we’ve known each other only since February). That evening ended with DB and I going to her sister’s place (where DB is staying) and trying to crash on the futon, unfortunately, it was one billion degrees Fahrenheit in the part of the apartment that wasn’t DB’s sister and fiance’s bedroom. So DB woke them and asked if we could crash on the floor there. Which is how I ended up sleeping on the bedroom floor of someone I’d never met. I did meet the happy couple the next morning, as they were getting ready for work. In the 5 or 10 minutes I was able to sustain a conversation against the rolling waves of a headache I decided that they were awesome people (in addition to being awesome for letting me sleep on the floor of their air conditioned bedroom). They also had great taste in books.

I walked DB to work at the financial district and wandered to the gaping hole where the twin towers used to stand. I won’t go into much, but I thought that the last time I was in the city I had taken friends from abroad up to the observation deck, actually, the last few times I’d been to the city I had done that.

I met Pat later that day and here’s a brief account of what we did:

-Drank for 12+ hours after starting with Manhattans and Martinis
-Fell Off The Wagon
-Got interviewed by this guy about my favorite songs to hear at a bar (I talked about REM’s End of the World and they asked me to talk about Blur’s Song 2, which I hate) so look out for me either being interviewed on VH1 or in the background outside a bar smoking a cigarette. I’m such a star fucker)
-Went to The Village Idiot (apparently the inspiration for Coyote Ugly): and drank PBR in a can served by gorgeous bartenders
-Saw Helen Hunt and John Turturro in Life (x) 3 at the Circle in the Square Theater

All in all it was a good time

2003-07-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

I went to New York last weekend and had a blast! Apparently I was spending a bit too much time at the office (see some previous posts), so I took advantage of a brief period of down time and some compensatory time I had accrued and took a few days to myself. I’ve always loved spending time in the Big Apple, but I’d not visited since the summer of 2001 (many of my friends who’d lived in the city have left since or finished grad school). But now I have another friend who has just moved back to the City and she’s told me that I’ll always have a place to stay if I come visit her. So I decided to take her up on her offer. I also called my pal Pat and told him to get his Mass-hole self on a bus and down to the city ASAP.

I had made reservations on the Washington Deluxe bus to the city. It’s a cheap independent bus company that, as far as I can tell, only runs between DC and NYC. (It’s actually incredibly cheap, $40 round trip, that’s less than a third the cost of the cheapest round trip train, half the cost of greyhound, and probably a couple bucks less than you’d spend on tolls and gas, if you drive, not to mention parking in the city) Anyway, I missed the bus leaving the city by about 5 minutes. So I took a Greyhound instead. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I remembered greyhound being. I’d spent three days and three nights on a Greyhound Bus going cross-country from Frederick, MD to Portland OR in August of 1997. I remember it being a truly miserable (less than 8 hours of sleep the entire trip), overcrowded (Pat, with whom I traveled, and I did not get to sit together until after Pittsburgh) experience, complete with crazy people (Two examples: 1. a strange postal employee I sat next to, who seemed to want to know everything about me, trust me I was extremely uncomfortable, to the point of lying about my name. 2. The lady who had been given a bus ticket home to her most recent known address- her mother’s in Wyoming, after being released from the city mental hospital in Chicago for running naked through the streets, after being released from the City jail for something else- all of which she proudly told the entire bus. As I recall, that psycho stole our all of our bread for peanut butter sandwiches, or our peanut butter, or whatever), mean bus drivers (one closed the door on Pat and continually threatened to leave people behind), drug dealers (which may or may not have led to my only multi-hour, uninterrupted sleep for the entire three days of the trip- a whole four hours), and only the occasional cool, interesting person (we met a Native American gentleman, returning to Chyenne after a multi-tribal council in Maine, he seemed to be a really good guy).

But, I digress. As I said this Greyhound trip was much more peasant than my last experience, it was non-stop, DC to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in the city that never sleeps. (What is it about New York that makes one, or at least me, feel the need to use each and every nickname I can think of, I don’t feel the need to call Chicago the Windy City, or Boston, Beantown every time I write about them.) So after a surprisingly pleasant bus ride, I got to NY and walked to meet my friend DB about 20 blocks south. I resembled a soaking wet pile of wet clothes with a backpack when I finally reached DB’s work and I was a half hour early, so I popped into Houston’s (not a restaurant I want to be entering soaked in sweat in shorts and sandals) for a beer and to clean myself up.

OK, I’m going to continue my NY trip discussion when I get home since I don’t want to be in the office after 6 doing non work related stuff.

Till then…

2003-06-30T17:56:00.000-05:00

I almost cried when I read that Katharine Hepburn had died. I definitely got a bit teary eyed when I read this article, in appreciation, by the Washington Post's Stephen Hunter.

An amazing actress, a feminist before feminists were cool, Hepburn was, I think, an example of the way people we don't know, and probably never will can have a profound impact on our lives. The African Queen , On Golden Pond , and The Lion in Winter are some of my favorite all time movies promarily because of the presence she brought to the screen in those films. Mr. Hunter iterates well the way many felt about Hepburn:

She was one of the brightest; she was certainly one of the most persistent and consistent. She'd appear... in an old sweater and pants, her voice and her hands trembling with palsy, but her eyes sharp as lasers and her opinions as forthright and vivid. She was still Our Kate, to the very end. Now the end has come. And of course, she'll always be Our Kate.

To be honest, I think she always reminded me of my grandmother and my mother.

2003-06-25T01:41:00.000-05:00

Did You Ever Woner What Happened To Yourself

Wow it's late. But I don't have to work tomorrow so I don't mind. I wanted to write about Howard Dean tonight but I dont think I can. I'm sitting out on the porch and listening to some kids (I say kids and they may only be a couple of years younger than me) having a late night pool party (YAY summer!!!). They're obviously getting high, I can tell by the intermittant coughing I keep hearing. So, I'm listening to them and all I can think about is a pool party I went to while in college and working at a restaraunt. It was at a coworkers house (I neve had many college friends). I got fucked up and had a great time... For some reason I can't remember the guy who got fucked up and had a great time. When did I lose touch with him. Part of me thinks I lost him about the same time I started losing touch with many of the old friends. Who knows.

The bed beckons...

2003-06-25T00:44:00.000-05:00

Two Recent Thoughts

From High Fidelity: Does anyone else get that thing Rob talks about in the book; when you have a crush you can't picture the person's face. You can see their bangs and hair and clothes and hear their voice perfectly, but not their face. Let me know if I'm the only one. If so, why the hell is that. It used to drive me nuts in high school and has occured sometimes recently.

Also, Work People
If you're reading this before noon, I'LL BE ASLEEP. (OK I'll probably wake up by 8, but damnit I won't be doning anything.)

2003-06-25T00:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome Back

I've been out of the Blogosphere for a few days. But I'm back. It's late so I'll post a few brief things.

Had a bookclub meeting on Saturday, good stuff.

Currently reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. So far, my favorite quote from the Pulitzer Prize winning book is the following:

He seemed, the old man's doctor observed, to be to be dying from within, the surest sign of which was an almost biblical flatulence. He'd been turning the air inside the carriage house green for many a year now, but all the tests showed that the old fossil's heart remained strong.

Two other fantastic books by Russo are The Straight Man (listened to on tape while driving cross country) and Nobody's Fool (read on a scotch brewery tour of norther Scottland).

Saw Georgia Avenue, Ari Hest, and some other band on Friday night. The first 2 were suprisingly good. The headliner was lousy. I cant remember their name.

This just in: if you continually tell someone that they are stressed, it will stress them out (and possibly piss them off)

On the itinerary for the rest of the week and the weekend: I'M NOT WORKING. I'm going to NYC to see Dana on Thursday night and to hang with Pat (who is also takinga mini vacation) from Fri to Sunday.

I think that for some reason I have been pissing people off lately.

Pirate joke:
Why was Clinton the Pirate's favorite President?

Because he is from ARRRRRkansas!!!!

Later

2003-06-20T14:16:00.000-05:00

State of the Santulli Address

I fucking give up. I can't do this any more. OK, work is busy, but that's bound to happen. I'm tired, so what, that's 'cause I'm spending too much time at the office. Yes, my body feels like it's getting ready to fall apart, I attribute that to a lack of exercise, drinking, and stress. And maybe I am a little stressed, but that probably has something to do with work and my current living situation. My coworkers interviewed a possible new hire today and used me as an example of someone who has experienced a rather extreme workload lately, that's fine. But I was later told that the words "meltdown" and "cuckoo" were used in the description of my current state. That's a bit extreme, I think. Additionally, when everyone came out of a meeting discussing the job cantidatesome friends came over and nicely asked me some questions: Are you okay? How are you doing? Is everything alright with you? You're not going to come in and shoot everyone are you?

Now they're joking, I know, and it was funny... kinda funny. And when we were eating lunch and I was told that I wouldn't have to go to the "nervous hospital" until after I finish the projects I'm working on, that was funny too. I get jokes.

All the above things are normal and I'm OK with them. I'm at peace with the fact that I'm going to be stressed for a couple more weeks. I've accepted that I won't be getting much exercise in the immediate future. I know that I'll only be living where I am for a couple of months, that doing so is a good idea, that it's probably the best thing for me right now, and that it does not classify me as a failure, looser, or mooch. I'll catch up on sleep in a week or so. I'll take some time off soon. I'll read more, drink less. These things have a way of ballancing out. This is a bump in the road, just a quick detour in a life that, all things considered, is doing fairly OK. WHAT I CANNOT ACCEPT IS THIS DAMN WEATHER! I'VE HAD IT. FUCK THE RAIN, FUCK THE CLOUDS FUCK THE GOD DAMN WIND AND THUNDERSTORMS AND CONSTANT DREARINESS! I QUIT, I'M DONE, NOT HERE, I'M SOMEWHERE ELSE, THIS SEASON IS NOT HAPPENING, IT IS NOT DRIVING ME EFFING NUTS!!!

To be fair there have been some nice days lately, as I think back over the past 3 months I can remember 5 or six nice days. THEY WERE ALL MONDAYS!!!!! Fucking MONDAYS! I was reading the forecast on weather.com (no link, type it in yourself if you want to see the damn site) and found this sentence:

New York City has only seen eight rain-free weekends and Washington, DC and Philadelphia only five rain-free weekends all year and more rain will fall this weekend.

We're about 25 weeks into the year. 80 percent of our weekends have been rainy or snowy. I think that most of the 20 percent occured in the winter when it didn't matter anyway. I don't mind rain. BUT I DON"T LIVE IN SANFRANCISCO, PORTLAND, SEATTLE, OR LONDON!!! I did not sign up for this shit. All I want is some nice weather, teeshirt wearing weather. I don't need rainbows and chirping birds and all that. I just want to ride my bike to a fucking park sit in the shade open a book and enjoy myself. Is that so fucking much to ask for? Fuck it, I'm moving to Frisco or Portland, or Seattle, or London. If I'm going to get their damn weather I might as well get their fucking art and music scenes.

So what is the conclusion I'm, drawing here. Am I going fucking nuts because I am going nuts or because of the shitty nasty ass-munching weather. Who cares any way? Not me. I think I'm going to take a vacation.

2003-06-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.

Well solidifying my status as a true dork, I went to see Finding Nemo last night. I loved it. The film was fantastic, it had a great script, superb animation, and perfect casting. Some of the highlights for me included, lobsters with New England accents, the fantastic line at the start of this post, and a flock of seagulls whose entire dialogue consisted of the line "mine" repeated over and over again. Also, there was a group of surfer sea turtles whose lines generally went something like this, "We were like "Woah!" and you were like "Woah!" and I was like "Woah."" For my money, Ellen DeGeneress made this movie. I'm not generally a fan of hers, her television show was crap, and I don't find her stand up very funny, but her voice work in this film was wonderful. She plays a lonesome fish with short term memory loss named Dorie with some of the funniest scenes in the film.

Back to work. See the film.

2003-06-18T12:21:00.000-05:00

And From PretendingAlong's "Oh My Lord That's So Disgusting Makes My Skin Crawl" Newsdesk here are a couple of stories:

Alternative Beetle Breeding Techniques

Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Cant, Pose Naked for a Charity Calendar

2003-06-18T10:24:00.000-05:00

The Webby Awards

Hey everyone, check out The Webby Awards for some great sites. Here are a couple of highlights:

The Flaming Lips won best music site for Flaminglips.com

Get Your War On won best humor site. If you haven't visited the site please do. It's a hillarious and at times offensively leftist comic strip. Here's a sample (please visit the site, it's great):

How Stuff Works was a "peoples voice" winner for best science site.

I don't get Rathergood.com it won in the Wierd category, and judging by these links 1 and 2 i think it is well deserved.

I'm waiting for the email from the Webby people apologizing for their gross oversight in not including me in the nominees for best personal web site.

2003-06-17T12:13:00.000-05:00

I Go a Little Psycho Sometimes

Music Currently Playing on a Continuous Loop In My Office

The Clash- Lost in the Supermarket
The Pixies- Digging for Fire
Mary Prankster- La Resistance
Massive Attack- Teardrop
Ani DiFranco- God's Country
Virginia Coalition- Green and Grey
Cast Iron Filter- Ain't So Great (hopefully seeing them on Thursday)
Tom Waits- Downtown Tran
Tom Waits- Sixteen Shells from a Thirty Ought-Six
Yonder Mountain String Band- Left Me in a Hole
Mary Prankster- Swan Dive
Yonder Mountain String Band- 40 Miles From Denver
Nickel Creek- Reasons Why
Jupiter Coyote- Ballad of Lucy Edenfield
Tom Petty- Time to Move On
India.arie- Video

I have chosen these tunes for a reason: Yesterday at a closed door meeting with some coworkers, I took some time and vented a bit. It was a weekly meeting and one of the things we do is og around the table and talk about what each one of us is working on and any related issues. Now, I thought that I was generally quite animated at these functions, but I was later to learn that I, and another are, "the most reserved" of the group at these meetings. So anyway, I have been quite busy and a bit frusturated recently, and just feeling overworked and under appreciated at times (a sentiment that i believe many of my coworkers share); I'd just walked out of another meeting (which was infuriating), was late for the weekly one, and was wound quite tightly. I was in the meeting for a few minutes before it was my turn and I could sense that that week's roundtable session involved a lot of grievance airing. So, next thing I know, it's my turn and well, I guess I lost the plot for a few minutes and ranted, bitched, moaned, complained, and just generally freaked out for about 5 minutes about everything from current projects i'm working on, to the computers in the office, to my desire to have a weekend off, to my displeasure at the way management seems to be treating us like children. I don't know what came over me.

Later in the evening, I was out for a coworker's birthday it was revealed that they had been talking about me and my performance at the weekly meeting. Apparently, I had shocked people with the ferocity of my status update and one coworker did a remarkably good impression of me during my rant. I think I looked something like this:

Captain Chris Looses His Shit at
the Weekly Crew Meeting

But back to the music, I picked the music that I think will be the most relaxing today, thus keeping me from the edge that I apparently leaped over yeaterday at half past three.

2003-06-14T18:41:00.000-05:00

How Cool Is This Picture?

2003-06-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

Life Recap

Inspired by NM and rhinestonegirl, I am going to attempt to summarize my year in numbers. Here goes:

Stat's inspired by NM and rhinestonegirl:

First Dates: 4
Second dates: 3
Crushes: 1
Girlfriends: 0 and I still maintain that I do not have nor have I had a girlfriend, or been someone's boyfriend
Pairs of shoes purchased: 3--black work shoes; running shoes; casual shoes
Cavities: 0
Concerts attended: 8 or 9
moe.: 3
Times I "ended up" at a strip club: well a few, but most of that is due to coworkers who are no longer with us
Times I "ended up" in a gay strip club: 1 only and once, I can assure you that once is enough for me. I have filled my cup with the naked gay men dancing on stage, athough the drag show was cool
Times I've been to Tennessee: 2
Times I've been to North Carolina: 2
Times I've been to Los Angeles: 2
Times I've been to San Diego: 2

Other Stats:

Times I've drank at gay bars: 5
Times I passed out on my own doorstep after drinking till late and losing my keys: 1
Times my neighbors called me "sleepy-head" after said night: countless
Years since I've lived with my step father (RJ): 12
Days I've been living with RJ: 2
Times I've fallen asleep at my desk: 1
Times I've slept overnight on the floor of my office: 2
Drinks spilled on my new boss at a bar after a christmas party: 1
Shirts ripped to shreads while drunk at a strip club with coworkers later that night: 1
Visits to my father and sister: 1
Years since last visit: 7
Trees cut down with a bow saw: 2
Trees cut down with a chain saw: 1
Roofs erected: 1
Duct systems run: 1
Kayaking trips: 3
Cars that have hit me: 1
Times I've watched "Grosse Point Blank": 20+
Book Club meetings attended: 1

up next, elevators...

2003-06-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

Things I shouldn't be doing...

Posting to this blog, since I seem to be under a pile of work so big that only after 60 hours of work so far this week can I begin to see over it. Another late night is ahead of me. But there are a couple of things I want to mention:

Gergory Peck has Died. A fantastic actor, Peck was named to the National Council on the Arts in 1965 and was awarded the Medal of Freedom, the nations highest civillian honor. I remember Peck from such films as "The Yearling," "The Snows of Killimanjaro," "The Guns of Navarone," "Pork Chop Hill," "Moby Dick," and "Cape Fear." But it was his performance as Atticus Finch in "To Kill a Mockingbird" that I will remember for the rest of my life. An amazing film, TKMB is, in my opinion, the greatest example of a novel succesfully transfered to the screen. It remains one of my favorite films. See Ya Gregory Peck.

Also, from rhinestonegirl, a link to slate about the history of air guitar.

Check out rhinestonegirl and seeking irony for a fun recap of their past year. i want to recap mine tomorrow in a similar fasion if i have any time.